Goodbye, Homeland

Day 340

Today was my last full day visiting my parents in my home state. What did we do? Same shit we always do: fill bird feeders, eat lunch, and bitch. Although, there was a brief interlude where my father tried to lure the neighbor's dog, the dog my parents refer to as, "Dumb." He usually hangs around and peeps in the patio door window looking in to see if he can see his girlfriend, my parents' dog, Yoda. Yes, I named her and no I am not cool enough to be a Star Wars geek. Anyway, my Dad nearly got him to the door with a cup of water raised and ready to throw on Dumb's floppy ears but Dumb was too smart for him and he leered at my father and peed on the birdfeeder, twice.

Other than that I went out to a farewell dinner with my parents and little brother. The main topic of discussion was how my family members have abused animals. Here are a few highlights from the treasured family vault of animal cruelty:

-My dad threw a giant canning kettle at a huge dog that wondered into the yard and it bounced of his head. He was stunned for a moment and then took off running.

-My mother just last week picked up the cat at the old folks home where my grandmother lives and petted her for quite sometime and just when she got comfortable on my mother's lap my mother pulled her tail, twice.

-My brother, when he was about three years old, went out to a farm with kittens. Here is the progression of his interaction with the kittens: 1. Threw rocks at them. 2. Kicked them. 3. And finally, picked them up and threw them.

-My mother used to shoot at a neighbor lady's cat with a bb gun. This cat shat exclusively in my mother's yard. One day the lady had a Tupperware party. During the party the cat rubbed up against everyone there except my mother. The cat hissed and bristled its fur. The owner said, "She never does that, she likes everybody, how strange." My mother turned to the cat and said, "Come here kitty, I love you."

After dinner my mother and I went home to pack my suitcase. There is nothing even mildly humorous about packing a suitcase. I wish there was...that may keep me up all night. Anyway, I leave tomorrow for a day of traveling. Hopefully, myself and my luggage make the return trip not to banged up or soiled. I am doubtful of coming out unscathed. Oh well, maybe I will finally sit next to a hot person on the plane, instead of a huge person whose side fat creeps into my area.

Tip of the Day: When you have a long day of traveling ahead of you pretend like you are playing Survivor. But, if you are smart enough to realize that you won't win a prize you are screwed, take some drugs and write nasty notes about the people around you and if that doesn't work take sneak photos of funny looking people.

-Canadian Castaway