Okay so let's be honest, I am a total slacker when it comes to updating this blog lately. It could be due to the fact that I am writing 3 scripts right now and holding down two jobs. But, it's not really that. I am just over it a little. But I will update from time to time. Here are a few wacky things that have gone on:

I had a birthday. The party I had for myself I found out that I am popular and that I am cursed. Popular because more than 15 people showed up despite me not really inviting many people personally. Cursed because after we'd had a good time for quite awhile a person at the table behind me fell back in his chair and had a seizure. The next night I went out with a friend and a fight broke out in the usually tame yuppie restaurant where we were munching on 20 dollar salads. I haven't really eaten out since then for fear of what could happen next. I may breed disaster but I'm popular. Is that good?

So, one more quick story today I was trolling around the internet when I noticed a status update from my fav snarky writer regarding an online dating service she'd joined. I looked up the site and answered a couple of questions thinking that it would allow me access to read about the site but what actually happened was that the questions led to more questions and after just a few minutes I wound up with an account. When I trolled around the site I came to the part where they pull up profiles of people they think you'd be interested in. I clicked on one to find that the person they thought I'd be good with had a completely blank profile.

If that didn't deter me enough I saw that you could take personality quizzes on the site. Thinking it was only a few quick questions I set out to find if I was a nerd, geek, or dork. So, I went through like 50 questions only to find out that instead of being a nerd, geek or dork I am an "Outcast Genius." Apparently, despite its name, this means that I am all three with higher parts nerd and this is a good thing.

And further still, if that weren't enough, I trolled around looking at profiles. I discovered what I already knew (Outcast Genius's are super friggin smart apparently)most of the people on dating sites cannot spell, aren't that interesting, and make absolutely no sense. For example I was "Winked" at by a guy who runs like 10K everyday. I have never run, ever. My friggin profile pic on that site is me next to a box of chocolate kids cereal for shits sake.

If that weren't enough I kept trolling around seeing if there was someone, anyone on the site that wasn't a complete tool. Finally, I found someone who didn't seem like a total idiot, perhaps a little freaky but not stupid. So, if finding him weren't enough, I messaged him and told him he should be proud of himself for not being an asshole. What a whirlwind I have been caught in. Well, I'm off to make fun of whomever else may have "Winked" at me in the time it's taken to write this blog.

Tip of the Day: Don't eat too much of that white powder you are supposed to put on your popcorn to make it taste like make-believe white cheddar.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 428ish

So here are a few things that happened this week (mostly tonight):

I hosted a Dead Writer party. Apparently, this meant that I was obligated to drink vodka straight from the bottle in a bathroom stall with Walt Disney, Allen Ginsberg, Hunter S. Thompson and William Faulkner.

I went to Michael's craft store. It was disappointing due to the fact that over half of the store was devoted to scrapbooking.

I am working on a Family Guy spec script. I am not sure if it's funny but I am laughing my ass off writing it.

Yesterday a guy who looks like Hermey from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer remembered my name after only meeting me briefly, once, and I was so touched. Did I mention he does improv? I can't tell if I am attracted to him due to the fact that he looks like Hermey, or, that he plays a ridiculously spot-on hilarious old man character or that he is just a nice-seeming fella.

I got to work this evening only to discover that the place was brimming with fake smoke. It was rolling out the door and had the gorgeous security man not been waving me in I probably wouldn't have gone at all. But, even though I did go in I verbally quit the pub job tonight at least 6 times.

So, at the party I threw for the Student Association earlier this week (Dead Writer) most people were very helpful and had a good time. Most people that is except an alleged "friend" of mine who was bitchy the whole time and even came up to me at one point to tell me that he wasn't having fun despite the fact that I made it very clear that I had huge anxiety about pulling the party off. Note: I am getting tons of comments from everyone (but him) about how I threw the best party of the year. Anyway, I have been distancing myself from him and then today received a text that read, "p.s. Is Emily mad at me? She has been very distant and cold with me." Turns out he sent a text about me to me by accident. Idiot. At least I got a few laughs out of it.

Tonight I went to work to discover that the super annoying frat boy I work with is terrified of women's bodily functions so whenever he was annoying me I would turn to him and say, "I am menstruating right next to you."

Also today the cutesy Italian man who works at the pub came dressed in chaps...in honor of Halloween of course, or maybe this is his new look? Anyway, at the end of the night he came up to me, turned around and asked me to help him take them off. Pretty sad that that is the most action I've gotten in a long time. Did I mention I couldn't get them off?

On the walk home from the pub tonight I listened to my voicemail on my American phone to find that a friend of mine who I once made out with had called. I called him back and he didn't remember calling despite it only having been last night that he called. Anyway, we chatted for a bit and then he made sure to tell me to look him up next time I was in town because he's single again.

Alright, it's almost 3 am and I am getting on in years so I must go to bed. Until next week.

Tip of the Day: Deal with it!

-Canadian Castaway

Day 421

So, I haven't blogged about my daily adventures for a solid week. Much has happened but lets stick to just today. Here's an overview:

-This morning I went to the bank and cashed in some American money only to find out that once again it is worth less than Canadian money.

-I went to the office supply store. While there I was encountered with bad news: they no longer have the ink for my printer but, there was good news as well: absolutely none of the employees hounded me to see if I needed help.

-I came home and made some notes on my Family Guy spec script and while I was writing I took a break to see that my friend posted on my Facebook wall. The post was for a drag queen garage sale to benefit charity. And, then I went into what is now called a, "CODE SPARKLE" status.

-I caught the first bus on the way to the sale and had to ride it like a rodeo clown as the bus drivers look nice in this city but secretly love torturing their passengers with jaunty stops and starts, especially if there are tons of people standing.

-My friends and I went to the drag sale only to find that it was basically two tables in a corner of a seedy bar and it was two bucks to get in. We paid the two bucks and got to see sequins, a pair of floral-patterned worn out shoes, and a complete outfit, including wig, that looked like a Janet Reno set. We left without so much as a gaudy handbag to show for it.

-After that we went to the gay diner and got waited on by a horribly mean-looking but ridiculously nice old lesbian who could probably kick anyone's ass and most likely could make a necklace out of all the people's teeth she's knocked out in her life. I liked her so much that I didn't even bother reporting to her that there was a hair in my salad.

-One of my dreams came true...I watched Frankenhooker, again. And this time was also with a gay man who appreciated it. One day I will watch this movie with a non-gay man who also appreciates it and then I will question his sexuality and then I will marry that man.

-I waited in the rain to catch a bus where of course the only person with this years version of the swine flu sat behind me sneezing and hacking.

-When I got home I finished off a giant bag of popcorn and went to the theatre to see a Euripides play called, Hecuba. Let me summarize this version of Hecuba: Lots of people dressed in black and swaying their hips speaking in unison and in a foreign language whenever the fuck they felt like it. Basically, Hecuba (former queen of Troy now a slave) has all of her children die, goes nuts with grief and then enacts her revenge by killing the children of a dude and having her fellow Trojan women blind the dude. For the big finish someone predicts that Hecuba's last living child will die. The end.

-My favorite part of Hecuba was when the Asian kid with the HORRIBLE haircut started to play differently shaped recorders. Though the tone of the play was tragic he was a comic relief and EVERY TIME he played I giggled.

So, that was my day (well, minus beard shopping, ice cream fetching, hitting on a movie store dude, and waiting in the rain) now, I am doing what I do best: watch Family Guy and Absolutely Fabulous and wish I had a snack or at least something to mix my booze with.

So, until next time...whenever the hell that may be.

Tip of the Day: The pita sandwich joint is open before noon.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 414

Pretty sure I am watching a show where there is a man addicted to cheeseburgers and before that there was an episode with a woman who drinks at least a 24 pack of Coke a day. It is amazing that I EVER leave the house.

This morning I woke up and started texting my co-worker from bed to see if she would cover a shift for me. During the text I got a call from my manager who asked if I could go into work right away and help out with a function as they were super short-staffed, if I were to go she promised to cover my shift. So, I waddled over to work, and found out that the function meant, a whole room filled with conservatives having a rally. Turns out that the conservatives in the this country are the same as the conservatives in my country: white, old, and upper-class. Which is why when I was standing on the other side of the bar and I looked up during a silence and said, "What the hell? Did they all die at the same time?" I didn't feel bad that one of the conservatives heard me.

Other than that I basically watched TV and ate turkey pepperoni this evening and watched an infomercial for HipHop Abs. I am trying to keep my standards low today so that I can really bust it out tomorrow and get stuff done and it will be that much sweeter...or I am just trying to justify doing nothing but waiting on rich people all day and eating meat bi-product in front of the television.

Tip of the Day: Do.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 412

Today was spent somehow, I am not sure how but here are the bits I can remember of it:

This morning I took the bus to a bookstore. On the bus was a couple they were a bit older and they were both laughing for most of the bus ride. The man's face was so smiley that it made me smile and laugh to myself. Then, after him and his wife stopped talking his face stayed like that and it became sort of creepy.

I got a package in the mail today from a friend back home. In the package was nail polish, lipstick, eyeball-shaped gum, a glass ring, two tea bags and 17 pads of sticky notes. I am not sure where the humor of that situation lies but it must be in there somewhere.

Today I went to pick up a gift certificate at a bookshop my friend works at. While waiting for my friend the look-up-peoples-nostrils-all-day type of short woman flitted around and handed me books and gave me oral book reports including plot details. The woman was a walking spoiler alert! I would've found this fascinating had the woman and myself shared similar tastes in books. After she went on and on about some high-brow French literature (Hey, fuck you, I read literature occasionally, I love Flaubert and Maupassant) I said to the woman, "I really just want to read Sarah Silverman's book called, Bedwetter."

I picked up my very hungover friend and we stopped to get her a sandwich and a Powerade. Turns out that some asswipe at Powerade has designed a cellophane wrapper that is impossible to get off and even if you do by some miracle get it off, there is also a seal to deal with. I bet that dickwad designer laughs their ass off everyday just thinking about how long it takes two drunks to open a bottle.

I went to supper in my building this evening and guess what, it's still annoying. It's almost chronic. Tonight's episode featured a woman who likes to talk A LOT. She started talking and I stood up, signalling I was about to leave the table but no one else was listening to her but me and even that was a stretch. I thought a million times about just walking away but I thought she'd take a hint that I was leaving if I was looming over her. To her I guess the fact that I didn't walk away mid-sentence made her think I was a captivated (not captive) audience. Fuck, I am getting nicer in my old age.

The rest of the evening was spent watching Absolutely Fabulous and other TV shows and telling my bodyguard that he is like my old daycare providers dog in that he lets everyone pull on him and he never bites them. But, he doesn't understand metaphor. Fuck.

Now, I am going to see if I remember how to read.

Tip of the Day: Question: What does having a bottle of water, a cup of coffee and a glass of wine on your desk say about who you are? Answer: Who the fuck cares?

-Canadian Castaway

Day 411

Tonight was drag queen bingo night. All I know for sure is that somehow I made it home and am currently watching Edward Scissorhands on the Canadian equivalent of PBS.

Here are a few other details I can (sort of) remember:

When we were waiting to get in a super loud older guy (possibly homeless) came up to us and kept talking on and on about how he wanted to get a cab. After a friend of mine listened to him for awhile she held out the bag she was eating from and said, "You want a carrot?" The guy, without hesitation, yelled in a husky voice, "Hell no!" He then turned to the street and started yelling, "Cab! Cab!"

My friend and I agreed to be drag queens for Halloween. I am to be the bingo caller drag queen and my friend is the assistant. Note: The bingo caller is the fat, loud one who makes absolutely no effort to sound womanly.

My friend who just broke up with her boyfriend asked a girl to go out with her and got rejected because the girl is engaged. She waited awhile and then found another girl whom she danced with quite sexily until the girl announced she was straight and left without so much as a kiss.

My friend was kissing the sound booth boy.

I wound up kissing a gay man.

I think that "blackout" bingo has a whole new meaning at this club. If you drink enough of the drink special and are not passed out in the bathroom and have played all your bingo rounds until the very end you just may blackout by the time it takes to rustle up a winner. Honestly, I could very well have won the final round had I only been sober enough to pay attention.

I went looking for my bodyguard to leave and found him outside with a crazed-looking homeless man next to him. The homeless guy said something like, "Get away from my boyfriend!" to me. He then pulled my bodyguard aside and told him he had a passion in his eyes. When I asked my bodyguard about it later he said that the man was a sad little guy who just wanted to be loved and he also said he felt sorry for him. This is why I love my bodyguard.

My bodyguard and I had a heart to heart on the bus ride home and he gave me the best advice I have received in a long, long time. Advice that if followed correctly could make me a much happier and receptive person. Basically he told me to let go and I think I will.

Alright, Edward is now off the air and I must leave so I can wake up tomorrow and regret nothing but not drinking enough water before going to bed.

Tip of the Day: Just because doubles are on special doesn't mean that you have to drink them...but your night may be a whole lot more fun if you do.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 408

Today I had my second Canadian Thanksgiving dinner. This year was different, this year there were no overbearing Canadian mothers and no getting drunk by 2 pm. This year there was the following:

Yams with marshmallows, ridiculously good and ridiculed for having marshmallows.

Mulled wine, yeah, it's almost reason enough to invest in spices, almost.

A clutch of nerdy gay men who talked about pornos and the infamous "Clippy" character from Microsoft whilst continuously checking their fancy phones and tweeting.

In place of the turkey was salmon. I know that I should be all impressed by this but I really just wanted to eat a dead bird that can ohh so easily contain salmonella.

We didn't go around the table and say what we are thankful for, partly because we didn't eat at a table.

One of our hosts locked me in the bedroom with him to tell me that he's learned how to knit so that he can knit his partner a hat for his birthday. When we walked out everyone looked at us like we'd fucked each other.

There was an apple pie and a pumpkin pie and the woman who made them begged and later demanded praise for them.

The whipped cream was homemade and there was rye whisky in it.

A gorgeous man (who of course is fucking gay) running up the street carrying a ham in oven mitts that (of course) matched his outfit.'

All in all, it was better than last year, or I was just more sober. And I am totally all for replacing a repressing mother-type with a gaggle of gays, it's way more fun.

Tip of the Day: No matter how many roasted edamame you eat they will never be as tasty as salt and vinegar potato chips. Damnit.

-Canadian Castaway