Okay so let's be honest, I am a total slacker when it comes to updating this blog lately. It could be due to the fact that I am writing 3 scripts right now and holding down two jobs. But, it's not really that. I am just over it a little. But I will update from time to time. Here are a few wacky things that have gone on:

I had a birthday. The party I had for myself I found out that I am popular and that I am cursed. Popular because more than 15 people showed up despite me not really inviting many people personally. Cursed because after we'd had a good time for quite awhile a person at the table behind me fell back in his chair and had a seizure. The next night I went out with a friend and a fight broke out in the usually tame yuppie restaurant where we were munching on 20 dollar salads. I haven't really eaten out since then for fear of what could happen next. I may breed disaster but I'm popular. Is that good?

So, one more quick story today I was trolling around the internet when I noticed a status update from my fav snarky writer regarding an online dating service she'd joined. I looked up the site and answered a couple of questions thinking that it would allow me access to read about the site but what actually happened was that the questions led to more questions and after just a few minutes I wound up with an account. When I trolled around the site I came to the part where they pull up profiles of people they think you'd be interested in. I clicked on one to find that the person they thought I'd be good with had a completely blank profile.

If that didn't deter me enough I saw that you could take personality quizzes on the site. Thinking it was only a few quick questions I set out to find if I was a nerd, geek, or dork. So, I went through like 50 questions only to find out that instead of being a nerd, geek or dork I am an "Outcast Genius." Apparently, despite its name, this means that I am all three with higher parts nerd and this is a good thing.

And further still, if that weren't enough, I trolled around looking at profiles. I discovered what I already knew (Outcast Genius's are super friggin smart apparently)most of the people on dating sites cannot spell, aren't that interesting, and make absolutely no sense. For example I was "Winked" at by a guy who runs like 10K everyday. I have never run, ever. My friggin profile pic on that site is me next to a box of chocolate kids cereal for shits sake.

If that weren't enough I kept trolling around seeing if there was someone, anyone on the site that wasn't a complete tool. Finally, I found someone who didn't seem like a total idiot, perhaps a little freaky but not stupid. So, if finding him weren't enough, I messaged him and told him he should be proud of himself for not being an asshole. What a whirlwind I have been caught in. Well, I'm off to make fun of whomever else may have "Winked" at me in the time it's taken to write this blog.

Tip of the Day: Don't eat too much of that white powder you are supposed to put on your popcorn to make it taste like make-believe white cheddar.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 428ish

So here are a few things that happened this week (mostly tonight):

I hosted a Dead Writer party. Apparently, this meant that I was obligated to drink vodka straight from the bottle in a bathroom stall with Walt Disney, Allen Ginsberg, Hunter S. Thompson and William Faulkner.

I went to Michael's craft store. It was disappointing due to the fact that over half of the store was devoted to scrapbooking.

I am working on a Family Guy spec script. I am not sure if it's funny but I am laughing my ass off writing it.

Yesterday a guy who looks like Hermey from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer remembered my name after only meeting me briefly, once, and I was so touched. Did I mention he does improv? I can't tell if I am attracted to him due to the fact that he looks like Hermey, or, that he plays a ridiculously spot-on hilarious old man character or that he is just a nice-seeming fella.

I got to work this evening only to discover that the place was brimming with fake smoke. It was rolling out the door and had the gorgeous security man not been waving me in I probably wouldn't have gone at all. But, even though I did go in I verbally quit the pub job tonight at least 6 times.

So, at the party I threw for the Student Association earlier this week (Dead Writer) most people were very helpful and had a good time. Most people that is except an alleged "friend" of mine who was bitchy the whole time and even came up to me at one point to tell me that he wasn't having fun despite the fact that I made it very clear that I had huge anxiety about pulling the party off. Note: I am getting tons of comments from everyone (but him) about how I threw the best party of the year. Anyway, I have been distancing myself from him and then today received a text that read, "p.s. Is Emily mad at me? She has been very distant and cold with me." Turns out he sent a text about me to me by accident. Idiot. At least I got a few laughs out of it.

Tonight I went to work to discover that the super annoying frat boy I work with is terrified of women's bodily functions so whenever he was annoying me I would turn to him and say, "I am menstruating right next to you."

Also today the cutesy Italian man who works at the pub came dressed in chaps...in honor of Halloween of course, or maybe this is his new look? Anyway, at the end of the night he came up to me, turned around and asked me to help him take them off. Pretty sad that that is the most action I've gotten in a long time. Did I mention I couldn't get them off?

On the walk home from the pub tonight I listened to my voicemail on my American phone to find that a friend of mine who I once made out with had called. I called him back and he didn't remember calling despite it only having been last night that he called. Anyway, we chatted for a bit and then he made sure to tell me to look him up next time I was in town because he's single again.

Alright, it's almost 3 am and I am getting on in years so I must go to bed. Until next week.

Tip of the Day: Deal with it!

-Canadian Castaway

Day 421

So, I haven't blogged about my daily adventures for a solid week. Much has happened but lets stick to just today. Here's an overview:

-This morning I went to the bank and cashed in some American money only to find out that once again it is worth less than Canadian money.

-I went to the office supply store. While there I was encountered with bad news: they no longer have the ink for my printer but, there was good news as well: absolutely none of the employees hounded me to see if I needed help.

-I came home and made some notes on my Family Guy spec script and while I was writing I took a break to see that my friend posted on my Facebook wall. The post was for a drag queen garage sale to benefit charity. And, then I went into what is now called a, "CODE SPARKLE" status.

-I caught the first bus on the way to the sale and had to ride it like a rodeo clown as the bus drivers look nice in this city but secretly love torturing their passengers with jaunty stops and starts, especially if there are tons of people standing.

-My friends and I went to the drag sale only to find that it was basically two tables in a corner of a seedy bar and it was two bucks to get in. We paid the two bucks and got to see sequins, a pair of floral-patterned worn out shoes, and a complete outfit, including wig, that looked like a Janet Reno set. We left without so much as a gaudy handbag to show for it.

-After that we went to the gay diner and got waited on by a horribly mean-looking but ridiculously nice old lesbian who could probably kick anyone's ass and most likely could make a necklace out of all the people's teeth she's knocked out in her life. I liked her so much that I didn't even bother reporting to her that there was a hair in my salad.

-One of my dreams came true...I watched Frankenhooker, again. And this time was also with a gay man who appreciated it. One day I will watch this movie with a non-gay man who also appreciates it and then I will question his sexuality and then I will marry that man.

-I waited in the rain to catch a bus where of course the only person with this years version of the swine flu sat behind me sneezing and hacking.

-When I got home I finished off a giant bag of popcorn and went to the theatre to see a Euripides play called, Hecuba. Let me summarize this version of Hecuba: Lots of people dressed in black and swaying their hips speaking in unison and in a foreign language whenever the fuck they felt like it. Basically, Hecuba (former queen of Troy now a slave) has all of her children die, goes nuts with grief and then enacts her revenge by killing the children of a dude and having her fellow Trojan women blind the dude. For the big finish someone predicts that Hecuba's last living child will die. The end.

-My favorite part of Hecuba was when the Asian kid with the HORRIBLE haircut started to play differently shaped recorders. Though the tone of the play was tragic he was a comic relief and EVERY TIME he played I giggled.

So, that was my day (well, minus beard shopping, ice cream fetching, hitting on a movie store dude, and waiting in the rain) now, I am doing what I do best: watch Family Guy and Absolutely Fabulous and wish I had a snack or at least something to mix my booze with.

So, until next time...whenever the hell that may be.

Tip of the Day: The pita sandwich joint is open before noon.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 414

Pretty sure I am watching a show where there is a man addicted to cheeseburgers and before that there was an episode with a woman who drinks at least a 24 pack of Coke a day. It is amazing that I EVER leave the house.

This morning I woke up and started texting my co-worker from bed to see if she would cover a shift for me. During the text I got a call from my manager who asked if I could go into work right away and help out with a function as they were super short-staffed, if I were to go she promised to cover my shift. So, I waddled over to work, and found out that the function meant, a whole room filled with conservatives having a rally. Turns out that the conservatives in the this country are the same as the conservatives in my country: white, old, and upper-class. Which is why when I was standing on the other side of the bar and I looked up during a silence and said, "What the hell? Did they all die at the same time?" I didn't feel bad that one of the conservatives heard me.

Other than that I basically watched TV and ate turkey pepperoni this evening and watched an infomercial for HipHop Abs. I am trying to keep my standards low today so that I can really bust it out tomorrow and get stuff done and it will be that much sweeter...or I am just trying to justify doing nothing but waiting on rich people all day and eating meat bi-product in front of the television.

Tip of the Day: Do.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 412

Today was spent somehow, I am not sure how but here are the bits I can remember of it:

This morning I took the bus to a bookstore. On the bus was a couple they were a bit older and they were both laughing for most of the bus ride. The man's face was so smiley that it made me smile and laugh to myself. Then, after him and his wife stopped talking his face stayed like that and it became sort of creepy.

I got a package in the mail today from a friend back home. In the package was nail polish, lipstick, eyeball-shaped gum, a glass ring, two tea bags and 17 pads of sticky notes. I am not sure where the humor of that situation lies but it must be in there somewhere.

Today I went to pick up a gift certificate at a bookshop my friend works at. While waiting for my friend the look-up-peoples-nostrils-all-day type of short woman flitted around and handed me books and gave me oral book reports including plot details. The woman was a walking spoiler alert! I would've found this fascinating had the woman and myself shared similar tastes in books. After she went on and on about some high-brow French literature (Hey, fuck you, I read literature occasionally, I love Flaubert and Maupassant) I said to the woman, "I really just want to read Sarah Silverman's book called, Bedwetter."

I picked up my very hungover friend and we stopped to get her a sandwich and a Powerade. Turns out that some asswipe at Powerade has designed a cellophane wrapper that is impossible to get off and even if you do by some miracle get it off, there is also a seal to deal with. I bet that dickwad designer laughs their ass off everyday just thinking about how long it takes two drunks to open a bottle.

I went to supper in my building this evening and guess what, it's still annoying. It's almost chronic. Tonight's episode featured a woman who likes to talk A LOT. She started talking and I stood up, signalling I was about to leave the table but no one else was listening to her but me and even that was a stretch. I thought a million times about just walking away but I thought she'd take a hint that I was leaving if I was looming over her. To her I guess the fact that I didn't walk away mid-sentence made her think I was a captivated (not captive) audience. Fuck, I am getting nicer in my old age.

The rest of the evening was spent watching Absolutely Fabulous and other TV shows and telling my bodyguard that he is like my old daycare providers dog in that he lets everyone pull on him and he never bites them. But, he doesn't understand metaphor. Fuck.

Now, I am going to see if I remember how to read.

Tip of the Day: Question: What does having a bottle of water, a cup of coffee and a glass of wine on your desk say about who you are? Answer: Who the fuck cares?

-Canadian Castaway

Day 411

Tonight was drag queen bingo night. All I know for sure is that somehow I made it home and am currently watching Edward Scissorhands on the Canadian equivalent of PBS.

Here are a few other details I can (sort of) remember:

When we were waiting to get in a super loud older guy (possibly homeless) came up to us and kept talking on and on about how he wanted to get a cab. After a friend of mine listened to him for awhile she held out the bag she was eating from and said, "You want a carrot?" The guy, without hesitation, yelled in a husky voice, "Hell no!" He then turned to the street and started yelling, "Cab! Cab!"

My friend and I agreed to be drag queens for Halloween. I am to be the bingo caller drag queen and my friend is the assistant. Note: The bingo caller is the fat, loud one who makes absolutely no effort to sound womanly.

My friend who just broke up with her boyfriend asked a girl to go out with her and got rejected because the girl is engaged. She waited awhile and then found another girl whom she danced with quite sexily until the girl announced she was straight and left without so much as a kiss.

My friend was kissing the sound booth boy.

I wound up kissing a gay man.

I think that "blackout" bingo has a whole new meaning at this club. If you drink enough of the drink special and are not passed out in the bathroom and have played all your bingo rounds until the very end you just may blackout by the time it takes to rustle up a winner. Honestly, I could very well have won the final round had I only been sober enough to pay attention.

I went looking for my bodyguard to leave and found him outside with a crazed-looking homeless man next to him. The homeless guy said something like, "Get away from my boyfriend!" to me. He then pulled my bodyguard aside and told him he had a passion in his eyes. When I asked my bodyguard about it later he said that the man was a sad little guy who just wanted to be loved and he also said he felt sorry for him. This is why I love my bodyguard.

My bodyguard and I had a heart to heart on the bus ride home and he gave me the best advice I have received in a long, long time. Advice that if followed correctly could make me a much happier and receptive person. Basically he told me to let go and I think I will.

Alright, Edward is now off the air and I must leave so I can wake up tomorrow and regret nothing but not drinking enough water before going to bed.

Tip of the Day: Just because doubles are on special doesn't mean that you have to drink them...but your night may be a whole lot more fun if you do.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 408

Today I had my second Canadian Thanksgiving dinner. This year was different, this year there were no overbearing Canadian mothers and no getting drunk by 2 pm. This year there was the following:

Yams with marshmallows, ridiculously good and ridiculed for having marshmallows.

Mulled wine, yeah, it's almost reason enough to invest in spices, almost.

A clutch of nerdy gay men who talked about pornos and the infamous "Clippy" character from Microsoft whilst continuously checking their fancy phones and tweeting.

In place of the turkey was salmon. I know that I should be all impressed by this but I really just wanted to eat a dead bird that can ohh so easily contain salmonella.

We didn't go around the table and say what we are thankful for, partly because we didn't eat at a table.

One of our hosts locked me in the bedroom with him to tell me that he's learned how to knit so that he can knit his partner a hat for his birthday. When we walked out everyone looked at us like we'd fucked each other.

There was an apple pie and a pumpkin pie and the woman who made them begged and later demanded praise for them.

The whipped cream was homemade and there was rye whisky in it.

A gorgeous man (who of course is fucking gay) running up the street carrying a ham in oven mitts that (of course) matched his outfit.'

All in all, it was better than last year, or I was just more sober. And I am totally all for replacing a repressing mother-type with a gaggle of gays, it's way more fun.

Tip of the Day: No matter how many roasted edamame you eat they will never be as tasty as salt and vinegar potato chips. Damnit.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 406

There is a list on my desk of all the things I should be doing today and I am pretending like it doesn't exist. There was a time today when this wasn't true. I called my dad to find out that I owe the IRS like 500 bucks. I went to the Financial Aid office and found out that my check had still not arrived. I gathered books that I made faculty members donate for the silent auction I am hosting at the Halloween party. I even had a meeting with my advisor who told me two wonderful things: 1. She liked my script that I turned in. 2. She is super amazed at how allegedly productive I am and how by how much I write. To me this meant two things: 1. This was a good excuse for me to use the knowledge that my name literally means, "Industrious one." and, 2. I could take the rest of the day off. So, here are a few things I did on my day off:

-Watched Golden Girls while crocheting. Yeah, I know, I am turning into an old maid.

-Bought a season pass for the show Parenthood and watched 3 episodes in a row. Technically, this is work as I plan to write a spec for this show but really I just needed to be a part of a TV family today.

-Did not show up for one of my jobs. I did however see my co-worker and told her to tell people that I couldn't make it, "Just tell them I am very busy doing nothing."

-Did not go to a birthday party for my friend. Fuck it.

-Read outlines for people's screenplays and was so horribly bored I couldn't keep reading. Seriously, I am starting to think that I can only watch TV from now on, movie are too long.

-Read a book called, "Story" and loved it which reminded me of how I never really change as a person, as a teenager I used to skip class to read books now I just skip life to read books.

-Went to dinner and sat by my absolute favorite nerd in the world. He went on and on about how he was going to invent a version of the game Risk that is based on actual American colonization. I pretty much nodded along and stole his pomegranate seeds.

-And finally I hung out with my neighbor in the new living room I built him. We talked about dentistry and porn and punching security guards in the stomach, in that order.

-Finally, I pretty much just creeped people on Facebook only to find that a friend of mine had her name followed by, "misses Emily." I wrote a comment on it as I was so extremely touched that she wrote a message just for me. It wasn't until now that I realized that I personally know at least 10 other Emilys and my friend is more popular and well-liked than I am perhaps she knows at least 20 Emilys. Maybe I should update the song to, "You're so vain you probably think this Facebook status update is about you..."

-Alright, now I am off to watch an episode of Ab Fab and wish I was more of a bad ass and British.

Tip of the Day: Take the day off, you deserve it.

-Canadian Castaway
-

Day 405

Today I called my dad and he asked me how school was going. I told him that I was really busy and was having my writing workshopped three times this week. I explained to him, without him asking me to do so, that workshopping is when a roomful of people read your work and then make comments on it and you sit there and listen. After I reminded him that I was speaking to him he retorted, "Well, you don't be a whiny asshole about taking a little criticism. You be nice and listen to what others have to say, okay?" "Dad, I have been doing this for years I can take a little criticism," I said. Then he said, "No--no you can't, you never have been good at it. But you had better take it and not be a whiny asshole. I know you and I know how you are."

A little while later I went to my class and it came my turn for workshop. This is a playwriting class so members of the class took roles and read my play aloud. The reading itself was brilliant. People laughed and the woman who I thought would botch up the role of the split personalities character played it marvelously. And then, I was told the following: the story of it sucks, the characters are cliches, my female characters are demeaning, the ending is shit, and my personal favorite, "The dialogue is outdated."

Later, after I'd grinned through it all and went home to drop my bag off before meeting friends at the bar and trying not to cry like a little bitch troll, I thought about my situation and turns out my dad is right. If the thought that he might be right wasn't enough the fact that I whined all night to my friends about how workshopping sucks and I suck and everything sucks (even though it really doesn't) proves I am a whiny asshole. And, if I keep it up, which according to my father I have been like this since the age of 4 or so, I just may die of annoying myself and having my father in the constant state of being right. Frig.

Sadly and in a way luckily, one of my friend's who I was out with tonight had an allergic reaction to something. This horrific event finally made me realize that all I was doing was bitching all night and the fact that my friend who was seeing spots and nearly passing out was a waaaay bigger deal than what a buncha undergrad kids said about my play in class, despite having laughed their asses off at it. Plus, it was nice to be able to help someone else for a change and she, with her allergic reaction probably gave my friends a way to see me in a new light and to realize that I am not just a whiny asshole, I am a whiny asshole who will do anything to help her friends out when they should need anything.

Tip of the Day: Stay in if you are going to take out your whiny asshole bitch troll-iness out on the people who you care about and who (used to) respect you.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 402

My apologies if you had the misfortune of reading yesterday's shitass attempt at blogging, turns out when you sit around eating Good N Plenty and watching movies all day you can't write very well. Anyway, on with it, I haven't had any Good N Plenty in a few hours.

Today I went to the gigantic Japanese store with my Chinese neighbor. I was super excited and had a great time looking at 2 dollar Japanese crap until...I had to find my friend. Turns out that there were lots of people in the store, lots of Asian people to be exact. Every time I thought I heard my friend speaking it was another woman, and every time I thought I saw her it turned out to be another lady with long black, parted-down-the-middle hair. I was living a white people stereotype nightmare. When I finally found my friend I grabbed her shoulders and said, "The next time we come here you are dying your hair. I don't care which color but it can't be black!"

I went to supper this evening, this doesn't often happen anymore due to work and going out with writers and the fact that I am sick of making small talk. Weirdly though all went well. I sat by a chatty girl from California who I actually quite enjoy and tonight she taught me a very important lesson, a lesson that I will never forget. The lesson is: If someone tells you that they have had gastric bypass surgery do not ask them about the recovery process, especially if you have just eaten a plateful of food or do not enjoy 30 minute stories that aren't that interesting. Frick.

Sidenote: I just asked someone to be my friend on Facebook and had them accept the request within seconds. Wow, looks like I just got a new BFF.

Tip of the Day: If you call your mom and she asks you what you're doing tell her, "Well, I just let loose a loud fart."

-Canadian Castaway

Day 401

Holy shit, I missed day 400! Well, on day 400 I got my period AND saw my alleged bff bodyguard makeout with an extremely drunk friend of his. This is the same friend he has had a crush on for over a year. Everyone (including myself) told him to go for it. Little did we know he would...in my place of employ, sucking face like a freaky vampire for over an hour at a table that all his friends were sitting a well, they were sitting at until they couldn't take it anymore. I would be a liar if I didn't admit spreading the gossip around this morning but the whole thing is still kinda sick.

Other than that today I ate an amazing beef sandwich, lost my earbuds, and was generally cranky despite having watched Saved! and A Dirty Shame. Tomorrow I am going to a giant Japanese store. The last time I went there there was a rush in the cellphone danglers section. It was so thick with all types of Japanese peeps, including a white-haired man, that I couldn't make it in there. I don't even want a cellphone dangly, but the sheer fact that they are hard to inquire makes me NEED ONE NOW! Hopefully the don't just have the anal bead variety left by the time I elbow my way in.
Aight, I am so frigging tired. I am off to bed to try and not dream about my now ex-bff (he is a hot mess) and the skank he makes out with.

Tip of the Day: Don't watch that third movie, it'll just put you to sleep.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 399

Holy shit it's almost been 400 days since I came to Canada and cried at the car rental place. Weird.

Anyway, I must make this quick as I have tons of microfiction to read and edits to be made on my script.

Yesterday's re-cap:

At the beginning of class the extremely flamboyant gay guy told a story about how before every performance his high school drama club used to gather in a room and sniff whatever they could find like all sorts of cleaners and things. He ended the story with, "And then after our performances we would always get such headaches and wonder why." For the remainder of class the teller of this story was called "Sniffer" by the instructor.

I went to my fav coffeeshop to get some work done. When I entered the owner was working and his son was playing nearby with a Thomas train toy. The owner told me two things when I approached the counter: 1. That he wants to kill whoever invented Thomas. and, 2. "Your friend with the long hair is upstairs." Now, I have only been to the coffeeshop WITH my friend along twice and I am pretty sure that the owner would only have been there on one of those occasions, if that. Creepy...look out Thomas creator this guy might be a ninja.

After the coffeeshop I went to the pub to meet my friends. While there I drank beer, almost accidentally made out with a friend of mine, punched another friend every time he coughed, narrowly escaped a poetry slam, made fun of a frat boy to his face, and got elbowed in the boob, twice. All in all it was a pretty dull and tame evening.


Oh and later my brother tried to Skype call me when I was watching an orgy scene from Shortbus.
Today:

Today I went to turn in an assignment and wound up talking to the secretary of my department who gave me a half hour long history lecture on all of the parties and fundraising events she has been a part of during her like 30 years of employ. It was pretty interesting but I couldn't stop staring at her lipstick and wondering if it rubs off easily and what the fuck brand would make a shade like that and how much did she pay for it.

This afternoon my friend in the program was to give a lecture to the undergrad class she TAs for and I went along. I wanted to support her and I wanted to know what the undergrad writing courses are like at this university as I will be a TA in the spring. When I got there I realized that there were like 200 people in that class. The university I went to for my undergrad had at most, 25 per class and at least one of them was sleeping through the whole class. My friend did quite well but the worst part I would imagine for my friend giving the lecture would be the fact that the other TAs gossiped throughout it and one of them doesn't know how to whisper. Fuck, I don't know if I could handle that.

While walking home from the undergrad course I stumbled into a friend of mine who was going to buy the exact same shoes I want to buy. I tagged along with her and when we got to the store I found out that they didn't have any shoes in my size. It's one thing to be too fat and unable to shop at regular clothing stores (me), you can change that, but to be rejected based on your feet being too big is like being slapped in the face if you already had a broken cheekbone.

When I asked the woman at the store, "What does women's size 11 transfer to in European sizes?" She said, "42, but we don't go that high in this store." I was so irate that I threatened to my friend knock over boxes and got really huffy and thought, "Even if you had shoes that fit me in this shithole I wouldn't buy them here." On the bus ride home my friend brought up my angry attitude. I said, "That woman was a total cunt." My friend said, "She tried to help you, she offered to order you shoes to be delivered to the store." Instead of admitting that I was a little wrong about her my response, "I still hate that stupid cunt."

Despite having tons of things to do I spent the majority of my evening looking up the Hollywood hotties I used to buy shitty teen magazines to look at when I was a pre-teen (this was an era before the freakish "tween" word). Turns out that JTT and Devon Sawa are both Virgos. I wish there were some sort of career path I could take that would pay me to know things like that.

Tip of the Day: Chai tea isn't that bad.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 397

I didn't write yesterday, here is a sampling of why: I yelled at my best friend who didn't deserve it, I fought with my mother and I found out that the only thing worse than waiting on drunken undergrads all night is not having a single table and making no tips but still having to be around drunken undergrads all night. Anyway, on to today...

Today was one of those days when I did tons of things in a scheduled fashion. Here is a very brief run down:

-First stop was the faculty meeting which was hilarious due to the head of the department telling the secretary to stop taking notes at times when he was saying things that were questionable.

-The next stop was the clinic for a dermatology appointment. The dermatologist showed up super late and the whole time before she came I was sitting there thinking how I wanted to eat lunch with my friend and how when the dermatologist FINALLY arrived and walked in saying, "How are you?" I would answer, "Exhausted from waiting for you." But, when she arrived and asked me all I said was, "I'm good." I even said it in a cheery voice too. Ugh.

-I went to lunch with two of my friends today and we were all sitting outside chatting when at the exact same moment three bees showed up and went, one per person to buzz around. We all jumped up and even thought about moving to another location. What we didn't think was how ridiculous we were for letting tiny insects dictate where we had lunch.

-After lunch I went to class and was completely bored. Turns out that when you have one class that is full of lively people who think they are clever and are constantly cracking jokes any other class seems horribly borish.

-Just before I had to leave for work at the pub I had a little time to myself. I emailed a script outline and then, with only one hour remaining to myself watched Family Guy AND Golden Girls. Thank you TV Gods for putting two of my fav shows on just at the hour of my need.

-Tonight at work I realized that being a bitch comes with it's perks. For example, I said one thing that could've been mistaken as cunty to a co-worker (known table hog) and she wouldn't speak to me the entire evening. This was the best thing that could've happened. When I went around later she was asking everyone in sight stupid questions like, "What are these glasses for? Champagne?"

-After work I went to the upstairs of the pub and saw creepy life-sized portraits of the people who built the building the pub is located in and are now long dead. Earlier in the evening we had talks of the building being haunted and got freaked out. The pictures didn't help anything. Then, just as I was a few blocks away on an abandoned street, a huge truck approached me it sounded like a hellish monster and when it slowly passed me I noticed that it was covered in skulls. I guess waving to the portraits of the dead people in a "We cool?" fashion earlier was answered, "We not cool."

Weird moment: Later, while watching The Simpsons, I found myself bored. Family Guy has rotted my attention span, or is it superior in some way?

I just saw a commercial for a phone line dating service which showcased women in their jobs and then the same women in their sexy bra and panty sets. Do any women who aren't lesbians ever call this hotline? Hahaha, HOTline.

Anyway, that's all I got.

Tip of the Day: Saltine crackers are no substitute for KitKat bars.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 395

I am watching Christina Aguilera's Behind the Music. I forgot how much I liked her when I was growing up. I don't know what the fuck she was thinking with that obnoxious nose ring but damn she can sing.

Okay so now I just put on a diva concert in my room despite me having a cold I sang loud and proud. For a little while though I held back scared that people may hear me. Then I realized that I don't really care if the people in my building judge me or like me and I kept on singing. I wonder if Janis rubbed off on me. Let's hope that she did but not so much that I kill myself with booze and drugs.

I worked a table at a writer's festival today. A girl that is on the flag football team also showed up. I don't know her very well so I started making conversation with her. Apparently, she doesn't understand sarcasm or hates to laugh. Frankly, I don't really care to find out which, if only I didn't have to play football with her...perhaps, I should start to enjoy the awkward, judgemental gazes...

That's really all I've got...until tomorrow...

Tip of the Day: Japanese hotdogs = overrated and overpriced.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 394

So, I am hacking up a lung here and tired so I will make this super brief:

Woke up watched Kids in the Hall (Canadian duty) and then went to the bank and to the drugstore because as soon as my mother hears that I am sick she commands me to go and purchase many types drugs. As soon as I exited the drugstore I ripped open the box containing my Robitussin knock-off. Turns out that it doesn't come with a measuring cup--I am going to blame this on it being Canadian. I took a couple swigs from the bottle right outside the store, like a drug addict. Later my mother told me I need to get cough syrup laced with Codeine. Who's the drug addict now?

I finished another script today (could've been due to the Robo-tripping).

Went to my pal's house to eat mac and cheese which also involved drinking a bottle of red and having my tarot cards read to me. Turns out that I am super creative and original and am paving new ways and I will be selfish and have creativity and this, if I let it, will let me take over the world.

Went to a party at my friend's new house. Here are a few things that happened at said party:

-Found out that guys who wear shirts that read, "Mr. Happy" on them are douche bags.

-In other news guys who think they know everything about tarot are also douche bags.

-My friend from high school came to the party. Her roomate looks like she could kill me and I forgot to tell them the party was BYOB. Frig.

-When I drank from the bottle of my Robitussin at the party I yelled, "Don't judge me!" to a whole bunch of strangers.

-Found out that guys from the Yukon Territory are hot and hardcore. It gets to -56 degrees there.

-A girl in a top hat gave me a Sharpie tattoo of a heart with a "Mother" banner on it which I thought looked super cool until no one could read the "Mother" inscription and I realized that I was showcasing around my upper arm fat.

-If your Chinese friend isn't feeling good don't make racist jokes.

Then my friend and I waited for forty minutes for a bus with a guy who looked like Jesus. We were staring into the windows of a congee restaurant, until they pulled the blinds on us.

Later, I met a friend of mine on the bus. Turns out she was going to a booty call. I told her, "Good luck" when she got off the bus.

Tip of the Day: The "Take every six hours" label is obviously for pussies.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 393

I would write a blog entry about today except it would be so friggin boring it'd be all like:

I woke up, still sick, perhaps even sicker. I didn't do much at all except lie around and read short short stories and act like an asshole to my brother on Skype. Went to work and waited on people trying to half-ass pretend like I wasn't probably infecting strangers with my illness. Fuck that, they are stupid enough to pay me to do so. I waited on a creeper couple who tipped me ridiculously well despite me recoiling every time I went near them. I wondered for awhile why the bus boy kept asking me if I was okay. Finally I asked him, "Why the fuck do you keep asking me that like I am an insane person?" His response, "Wait, you're not insane?" Then I hung out with my friends who had been drinking at the bar since 3 pm. One of which was being aggressively picked up by a young blonde boy with longish hair. When he told me he studied biology my response, "I've never heard of that, is that like some sort of emo band?" I went to hit on the security guard and he said, "What's your name again? Evelyn?" Then I left which has now lead me to sitting in front of the TV pretending that Craig Ferguson is my boyfriend and wondering if Jason Schwartzman got married just to piss me off.

Tip of the Day: Why the fuckle is Craig Ferguson orange like an Oom Paa Loompa?

-Canadian Castaway

Day 392

So for the past few days I was torn about what I should do regarding today. I was scheduled to work AND there was the first reading of the reading series for my program. Where am I right now? Home watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels.

This morning I woke up...at 4 am. My throat was so sore I couldn't go back to sleep and so was forced to watch two episodes of 19 Kids and Counting. I woke up awhile later to the scratchiest throat I have had in years. I turned on my computer to get the number to the clinic and I found an email from my department secretary bitching at me about dirty dishes. I went to the clinic only to find that the strep test I took cannot be put through the lab until Monday. So I guess they just want me to spread the disease around a little.

I called in to work and went to wash dishes. When the people in my program caught a look of me they washed their own dishes without me even telling them that I may have strep. I went home and did some edits, dropped a class and watched tons of 30 Rock while sucking on a bagful of Fishermen's Friend lozenges. In the end I decided to not go to the reading. This decision was reached based sheerly on the number of TV shows and movies I have seen in my life where the main character calls in sick to work and is found out. Well, that coupled with the rain and my innate laziness that I am pretty sure is genetic.

I've pretty much just sat around slurping up tea and blowing my nose. There was a brief interlude where I went to dinner. There was a guest speaker in my building today and he came to dinner and made an announcement of his talk that was to happen after dinner. He said that your only excuse for not showing up was showing a doctor's note. Normally, I would've thought this ridiculous except today I actually got a doctor's note. The other positive about being sick was that when the guy I don't like and I were the only ones left sitting at the table I just pretended like I couldn't talk at all.

But, as always, my mother trumped me. I called her work to speak to her as she is stuck there due to massive flooding. Serves me right for wanting to whine and complain about a pussy head cold. I mean it's my own fault I only bought Fisherman's Friend instead of Ny-Quil, it's not her fault that her old folks home may be swept away while she is napping on her desk.

My neighbor just came by with a fresh box of Kleenexes for me. She also informed me that she wasn't going to move into the large handi-cap room in my building that recently became available. Her reason as to why, "I can't move into that handi-cap room anymore because they got a new gimp." Later she admitted that no matter how nice "the new gimp" turns out to be she will still hate them.

Tip of the Day: When in doubt ALWAYS buy the Ny-Quil.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 391

This morning I woke up at 8 am. I was nervous for the meeting I was supposed to conduct on the behalf of the student association. The meeting went okay but the best part (besides the free snacks) was the fact that my favorite overzealous undergrad showed up. Not only is she amazingly excited she also brought cookies that she had baked herself when I didn't even ask her to bring anything. If she continues to show up I will never have to worry because no matter what happens at the meetings or how many people don't come I will always have one person who is excited to be there and be involved. But shit, what if she changes her mind...who knew I'd worry about 19 year olds ditching me.

My friend strolled into class today all glowing with happiness. Turns out that the guy she picked up in the gay bar when she was drunk turned out to be straight AND cute (despite her not remembering what he looked like). They had a wonderful time out last night. He actually articulated that he liked being around her and they had a sweet goodnight kiss. The entire time she was telling the story and sparkling in the afterglow of things that didn't for once happen in a shit-ish fashion I was super jealous and pissed off that she had a good date. A few minutes later I realized how ridiculous my jealousy was and told her how happy I am for her. I seriously am. But damn, for those few minutes I understood why people sometimes call me a bitch, and mean it.

Umm, so today I went to the bar with one of my professors and some people from my playwriting class. After a little while one of the people in our group said, "Hey! Look over there, it's a rat! And it looks like it's drunk!" We all turned to see the rat and laughed as it shook and stumbled around. A few minutes later we looked and the rat was dead.

A little while went by and we noticed the rat was gone. A couple of us at the table were rejoicing in the fact that it was still alive...until another at the table said, "No, the staff came and put it in a garbage bag." But, when all looked bleak a raccoon walked by and in some odd this-is-why-I-am-a-writer-to-justify-my-weird-thoughts-way I took it as a personal metaphor. The metaphor being I was a rat and now I am a raccoon and since I am an American the change in size alone means that I have upgraded to a new status. Weird, I know, but somehow I am not satisfied with the, "I went to the bar and there was a rat that died" story.

Tip of the Day: "Nothing will come of nothing." Fucking King Lear was right, do something.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 390

You know you watch too much TV when you notice that the sandwiches on the far table in the McDonald's commercial are sitting directly on the table. Gross. Seriously? How unrealistic, I mean if you are only getting paid like 5 dollars an hour to wait on cheap teenagers and angry fat people would you care enough to wash the tables?

Today I noticed that a friend of mine started a blog after I suggested he start a blog. I wonder if this is my super power. Wouldn't that be crazy? The only catch though (at least regarding today's super power use) was that I know that the person I had start a blog today wrote in the second sentence of his new blog that he hoped his blog wouldn't turn into a "whiny angst fest." Naturally, I liked his snarky observation until I realized that he reads this blog and could very well have been defining the entire genre of my own blog. Or, perhaps I should be happy because maybe he'd let me retitle my blog to: Whiny Angst Fest. Hmm...

Just saw an ad for beer whose slogan reads, "Hold True." What the fuck does that mean? And furthermore, what the fuck does that have to do with beer? Oh and also, while I am at it, what the fuck is up with the new Skittles commercial? Seriously? The Midas Touch was a fictional curse to make Midas not so fracking greedy and to make him learn that there is so much more to life than wealth. I guess the Skittles commercial does make sense if you think of it that way. There is so much more to life than Skittles. (sort of)

There is a team in my flag football league named, "Touchdown my Pants." Shit, I hope they aren't a slutty sorority. I don't want to get an STD from the contact. Ohh wait, I am playing shitty flag football. I bet they have slutty flags though...

Tip of the Day: Listening to Natalie Imbruglia's Torn song when you are torn about what to do doesn't help anything.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 389

I am never one to complain but here are just a couple reasons why today sucked:

-I woke out of a dead sleep and never quite gained consciousness.

-I tried to write and all I could do was write a scene heading to a script and stare at it and look at different formats and then delete everything.

-My favorite lady who works at my deli was moving VERY slowly today and may be sick. :(

-I finally got around to vacuuming my room and the vacuum went missing.

-The writers in my program also seemed braindead today and just when I was okay with me doing nothing a mouthy first year showed up and wouldn't shut up about how jogging is freedom and I realized I was wasting my life.

-They didn't have the books I want to read at the library.

-I had to wait on drunken 19 year olds and remember that I need to work harder at writing because I don't want to wait on drunken 19 year olds anymore.

-The Indian security dude I am in love with pretty much told me that I am a fuck up at my job today. And the dumb security guard who thinks he's an ultimate fighter gave me gum and then bitched about how he has to take a cab home tonight.

-The 21 year old I'd like to fool around with has a girlfriend. Although the story he told me about how his girlfriend is outta town and he was beating off to porn when the dad of his roommate was staying at their house was pretty awesome. Especially when the next day the father of his roommate asked if there had been a gang bang the night before.

-And worst of all my mother told me that she is soooo proud of me. Proud of what? A fuck up with a dirty floor who is sinking massively in debt and feels sorry for herself sometimes when she knows better? Wow Ma, I wonder if there is too much Paxil in your Paxil. But damn her saying that was the closest thing I could get to a hug and I'll take it. Tomorrow I will do whatever it takes to make her declaration of pride hold up.

Tip of the Day: Ugh.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 388

You know you are a writer when...you go to your favorite space to write and realize that it is completely full then you walk 13 blocks peeping your head in other, mediocre coffeeshops looking for a place you can work in. You reject seven coffee places for the size of the crowds, how they smell, the types of people that are in them and the fact that they have round NOT square-shaped tables. Then, when you finally find a spot you do everything you can think of (check emails, visit with friends, text people, Facebook) until the only thing left is for you to write.

I have never been an athlete. The closest I have gotten was when I joined the softball team. This pretty much consisted of listening to punk on a Discman and eating Ranch-flavored sunflower seeds. But today after I left the coffeeshop I went ot the drugstore to get some Gatorade and licorice ropes to share with my friend at her flag football practice. I thought I try out for team manager or maybe take the water girl position. I showed up in jeans, with a licorice rope hanging out of my mouth and chatting on my cellphone. Before long I was running plays with the team, yeah I was running. Weird, huh? Who knew it was my calling to play flag football? I wonder if this means I will have to learn what a first down means. I also wonder if I can still eat Ranch-flavored sunflower seeds while listening to Me First and the Gimme Gimmes.

Turns out the creepy guy who came up to me and my friend at dinner lives in my hallway. Perhaps I will use tell the hot Indian security guard at work that I don't feel safe alone...or, perhaps I will sit in my room and wonder if the creeper remembers which room I live in and wonder if he will one day knock and I will pretend like I am not home or fake a tough guy voice so he thinks I have a ferocious boyfriend. Gawd, I hope the Indian guy thing works out.

I am watching Camp Nowhere and wondering what the fuck is up with Christopher Lloyd. Why the fuck does he play the older creeper man who helps out young boys. Wouldn't you feel weird if you were him? Wouldn't you wonder if you were typecast?

Tip of the Day: Don't drink mate late at night.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 387

The internet died at my house late last night and I was hoping it would revive but have had no such luck. I did write a bit of a blog before I gave up and went to bed without so much as seeing if I have any new friend requests so, without further bitchery, here is the blurb from last night:

A few lessons learned from today:

-If you get lost on the way to your friend's house just pop off at another friend's house and you will get there in time for his boyfriend to come out of the bedroom wearing white and your friend will take one look at him and say, "Umm, you are not wearing white."

-If you get invited to a comedy show that takes place in the basement of a hotel and when you walk into the club they are playing Ke$ha you should not be curious and think, "Wow, this could get interesting..." The comedy may be alright but the fact that they don't allow the sexily-dressed servers serve people a glass of water because they want you to spend three dollars to buy a bottle of water and the fact that they blast deafening music the second the headliner is off the stage so that you leave and leave angry should keep you away. No wonder there were like 10 security guards there at the ready—to break up fights that arise from the worst guitar noise coupled with hemorrhoids and dehydration. Going to a comedy show is like going on survivor.

-Turns out that the people in doorways that I gave icy fuck you looks to out of fear when I was walking to the bus stop tonight weren’t actually creepers, they were hiding out from the rain. All that paranoia and I haven’t even smoked weed in years.

-One of the comedians I saw tonight was a cute Jewish guy from New York (p.s. I think ALL Jewish guys are cute). When I got home I went on Facebook and looked him up. I wrote him a personal message stating that we are both from the same home state. I knew this because I peeped his profile, not because I actually talked to him. I love social networking. I mean what did we do before Facebook was around to stalk strangers and profess our love to them? Did we actually have to talk to people in person or live in regret of having not spoken to our potential love interests? Shitty.

Tip of the Day: Ask your friends for an umbrella if you are visiting them and it is raining outside because it would be bad form for them to NOT give one to you.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 386

Okay, I am ready to pass out. I am probably going to actually take a break from the blog today and go to bed and hope to dream of John Stamos. Besides, me talking about waiting tables, meeting friends at McDonalds, going to the bar and walking home weren't really all that exciting.

Oh, there was one hilarious thing. A co-worker of mine at the bar said that me and my co-worker looked at a pair of lesbian hair-cutted women. My friend conceded to her hair looking lesbian-ish and then remarked, "But what is lesbian-y about Emily's hair?" The bartender looked me over and declared, "The bangs." My friend and I both thought the idea of lesbian bangs was ridiculous. Later the writers came in and I went to greet my friends including a mostly lesbian writer who guess what...has the same bangs. I have mostly lesbian bangs.

Until tomorrow...

Tip of the Day: Don't start watching Property Virgins it will make you feel like a horribly boring person and you cannot stop.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 385

I suck at taking a break from this blog. Just a few things from today...

-This morning was pretty much spent writing a short/sketch-esque play. This involved me doing my laundry and drinking tons of coffee in a dark room and laughing.

-I was invited to speak on behalf of the student association at the new mfa student orientation not only was I so bored that I started passing notes and interjecting comments to say awake it turns out that the emails the grad secretary sent regarding what the association is never got to the new students. If that wasn't bad enough the new students didn't get any of her emails including important scholarship. The students now have one less week to acquire funding but at least there was pizza at the party.

-I hate how Facebook chat automatically says that I am available to chat when I first log in. I never notice that it even turns itself on until I get a message from someone I don't really want to talk to. I guess that is the social aspect of social networking. Geez, I think I'd rather be anti-social.

-Tonight my friend came over and while we were talking I turned on my computer. After a few minutes I realized that my computer didn't start up right and had error messages. My friend came over and peered at it and said, "Well, you back all your writing up don't you? You don't have anything to worry about." She looked at me and there was a pause. "What?! You don't back anything up?" "Well, I don't have an external hard drive and I need one and I am getting one as soon as my student loan comes in and..." She pointed to the USB zip drive-y thing near my computer and said, "Why don't you just put stuff on there?" I didn't really have an answer for that.

-I was hanging out with two other women for awhile this evening and I realized that we were all associated as the women our gay male friend hangs out with. I designated one of them his wife, the other his mistress and myself his homegirl that he may or may not have dated. The "wife" character said, "I don't know how I feel about being cast as the wife." Then I said, "What? Why? There ARE people who are happily married you know." She said, "But you just said there was a mistress. So, why uhh--" and that is the point where I stopped listening and started thinking about her relationship and why she will never be happily married to her current boyfriend and it made me sad.

I popped by my place of employment tonight to see a few friends. Little did I realize that this meant I would be forced to encounter both men I have a crush on currently. Turns out the security guard is 23 years old. I would feel like he may be a little young except for the fact that the other idiot I am chasing around his 21. I wonder if there is some sort of cougar-in-training badge I should be wearing?

Tip of the Day: Don't quit your blog.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 384

I have some horrid news. Turns out that this year in school I actually have to work hard. It's not like I am in high school anymore and can skip classes to read and still get above average grades. No, I have a thesis to write which means at least two more episodes of shows, a short film script due, and a one act play along with five jobs. I may have to start doing cocaine just to get it all done but with five jobs I still need to take out a student loan to just get by so I guess acquiring an expensive drug habit is out. So, unfortunately I may have to cut back on blogging. I still hope to update things a few times a week with nasty remarks and observations. I mean shit, it's not like I am going to totally change who I am.

I was in a funk today. I went to a class with a friend of mine and was hoping she'd cheer me up. She gave her take of my state of being in a play by play version of what she thought my mood was. Her predictions went something like, "You are like manic today, aren't you?" And then there were periods of her just putting her hand on my arm and looking into my eyes as though to say, "It's all going to be okay." At first I blamed the weather for my mood but I am starting to think being told you are pissed off all day actually makes you pissed off. I think I need to make a few new friends, the kind that would say, "You are wonderfully confident and happy today."

Tonight I went to a film class. My very first film class to be exact. It's about producing for film and television. There were people with all sorts of backgrounds there. There was the non-stop talking theatre girl who claimed to be ohh so good at getting people to be creative. Maybe she didn't shut up long enough to realize that she wasn't letting them be creative. There was the rich kid who lived in Hollywood who may or may not be a douche but he sure is cute. There was the nerdy dude in the Zelda t-shirt who over-enunciated words. There was even a guy who has a list of directing gigs from the past few decades including working with the famous Coreys.

My favorite classmate though was the Chinese guy who said the words, "I was electrocuted and almost died. But, I survived." Then he said that he had a film that he worked on coming out tomorrow at an art gallery and he declared that he should've brought flyers to hand out. He dug around in his sleeves and produced flyers like magicians pull rabbits from hats. He gave a speech about how in ancient China people wore garments with huge sleeves so they could carry stuff in them. He then went into evidence through elementary physics about why carrying a backpack is bad for you. Later, another student made a comment about needing a beer. And, like magic, the Chinese student produced a beer from his sleeve. I went up to the teacher that I had earlier told I may not stay in the class due to my heavy course load and declared, "If that guy is going to be pulling stuff of his sleeves then I am staying in. I am all in."

I just found an episode of Cheers on that I haven't seen before. It's like being given a giftcard for happiness. When I was a kid and I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up (shut up, I know I've told this story a million times) instead of saying, "I want to be an astronaut or a veterinarian" I said, "I want to be happy." What I should've said was, "I want to be a 26 year old who is happy about seeing episodes of an old TV show."

Tip of the Day: Do what makes you happy. Who needs veterinarians.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 383

I just got distracted by A Streetcar Named Desire. I didn't realize how late it was getting so I must make this brief.

I went to class today and remembered that workshopping sometimes sucks. It especially sucks when you are talking on and on about someones work AND they are allowed to join in on the conversation. I suppose it is a weird practice to talk about people's work while they are in the room and pretend they aren't there but I don't know if listening to them explain all of the shit we didn't understand about their piece is any better.

I went to a birthday party this evening and met a boyfriend of a friend of mine for the first time. I was wondering why the hell he was so quiet and strange. When my friend and I were waiting for the bus she said she sort of felt he was acting the same way. I asked her why she thought he was acting like that and she said that it could've been because we had been sitting on either side of him text messaging each other about him and laughing. Why didn't I think of that?

So, I am going to bed to dream of tall, muscular Indian security guards who can cook and when you ask them if they are strong and pretend to make muscles at them they reply, "Only if I have to be." I will try to suck less tomorrow and write more that is unless of course dreams really do come true and I am whisked away by a tall, muscular Indian security guard.

Tip of the Day: Don't tell a Canadian you could never become Canadian unless you want to answer their questions about why not for an hour especially if the Canadian is from Quebec and doesn't really understand English.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 382

My day started early, very early. I was up on and off all night long due to my friend moving around on the airbed next to my own bed. It is a terribly uncomfortable bed when it partially deflates in the night. Anyway, we ended up waking up (giving up on going back to sleep, in my case) an hour early. When we got up I couldn't even put on a smile or say more than a few words. And, it turns out that two cups of coffee couldn't combat that sort of bitchy tiredness. When some girl I didn't know didn't figure out how to open the waffle iron to make it stop beeping I said, "Open it up you dumb bitch." The worst part is that I didn't even realize I said it until a guy at the next table over whipped around and gave me a shocked look.

I had to go to a doctor appointment today and when I walked in I declared what skin condition I thought I had due to my research on the internet. At first I thought I was helping out by making my own diagnosis but then I thought it over. How annoying would it be to have some no-talent hack come in and declare that they know exactly how to do your job because they did like 15 minutes worth of internet research to make it seem like they know just as much as your 8 years in med school gave you. I woulda slapped me.

I went to the financial aid office today. I have been avoiding this office for about a week now. But damn do I need some money. The last couple of times I went in there I stood at the end of a long line that didn't move and then got bored and left. This time I waited and waited and waited, while I waited I tried to position myself to be looking at the gorgeous man behind me in line. It was all wonderful (even though I had to wait for 45 minutes in line). What I realize now is that if I didn't have my headphones in the entire time maybe I couldn't actually got to know the extremely good looking man in line behind me. But, luckily I did have them in because listening to music calmed me down while I was waiting and helped me to not slap the woman who was trying to help me with the financial aid process in the SLOWEST way possible when I finally made it to the counter.

After the doctor appointment I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up a few things and when I got up to the cute Jewish pharmacist (I have a thing for Jewish men) I declared what I needed and he sort of cowered. At first I thought this was because he liked me too but later I realized it was because I was way to assertive. I wonder if there are classes available on how to pick up Jewish pharmacists. That is what they should teach in school.

I went to work this afternoon and by the time I left tonight it felt like I had worked for three days straight. But, I did get to flirt. First off I flirted with the 21 year old. He and I exchanged insults and eye contact. Later the security guys came on the clock. Usually they are just fun to look at but tonight I met one that was not only gorgeous he was also kind and smart and level-headed. He even had some curry that he had made in the back and I asked what it was and he offered me some. He was eating it with bread. So, I took a hunk of the bread and he said, "You can have some bread from the side I didn't bite off of if you want." I said, "Do you have some sort of weird disease or something?" And he laughed and denied that he did. Plus, the curry was good. I think I am in love, hopefully I don't have some sort of weird disease or any disease that I could read about on the internet.

Tip of the Day: Go to bed.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 381

There are a few things I never thought I'd say in this life. There are a few things that I couldn't even imagine saying and, "Okay, I am gonna admit that I was late because I was reading King Lear" wasn't one of them. Yeah that's right, I had to read Shakespeare this morning when I was hungover. At first I was pissed off at the vague language and having to keep one finger in the text and the other in the explanatory footnotes, but when I started to see the characters and plots he was setting up I couldn't help but think how scandalous they must have been back in the day. A king turns nutso and his daughters renounce him and a bastard son stands up for himself by blackmailing his father and brother. Wow. That shit was the equivalent of showing someone get their friggin anus pierced on stage. Shakespeare is pretty fucking amazing even if you are hungover and too stupid to understand half the words he's using.

Today marks the day that I reunited with my food buddy/confidant. She flew here from many hours away, allegedly to see other people than just me but fuck that I know the truth. One of the best parts about her visiting is that she brought snacks. The snacks were amazing and so was her laughter at me trying to read Icelandic packaging. She thinks I should get my own youtube channel. I think she might be onto something. Anyway, she is down in my room right now laying on a partially deflated air mattress in front of the TV with the remnants of snacks around her and I am going to roustle her into playing this lame Monopoly card game with me so I must make this brief, let alone the fact that I am occupying a secret space in my building that has a kamikaze moth in it and a mysterious flea-like white bug. Perhaps if I caught the bugs in here I could start an insect circus...

Anyway, we watched the Video Music Awards together. A few observations:

Chelsea Handler asks Justin Bieber if he was wearing a wig, I wish I could show that to EVERY person I meet and if they don't laugh I will know that we are NOT going to be friends. It would save me a ton of time.

Umm, I hate to admit it but Taylor Swift can sing. AND she can sing a beautiful song about Kanye. But I really wonder if all is forgiven? I also wonder if last year after the VMAs if Taylor thought Kanye's interruption was hilarious or devastating. I would hope she thought it was hilarious.

I love that I am so out of touch with anything that isn't Lady Gaga or Drake-related and I watched the show with a friend of mine that can even tell you who discovered whom and who cheated on who with who. Shit, I am not even sure how to use who or whom properly. Can you imagine me watching the show with her and asking, "Who is that?" "Who is that?" "What award is that?" "Who is that?"

And finally, I am going to share a fact about my personal day-to-day existence: Everyday I wake up and listen to Bad Romance. Everyday. Seriously. So, when Gaga won that first award and announced that all her little monsters and her were the cool kids today I teared up and couldn't breathe and had I watched the show alone I would've balled. Who knew that being a cool kid for a night would make you want to ball.

And Kanye...well, I feel the same way. I am a douche bag too most of the time (except when I am listening to my daily Gaga fix) and I truly believe that everyone (even Taylor Swift) is a douche bag so his new tune is an anthem for the world. Plus, he wore a red suit. If that doesn't do it for you, how can you not like a song that has the words "jerk off" in it?

Okay, so I think I am going to go back to my room now and see if there are any unpronounceable snacks left.

Tip of the Day: Don't ever put yourself into the position of eating a fifth cookie.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 380

I am already hungover and it's nearly 3 am. So here are a few brief things:

I hung around and wrote scenes all day. This would've been okay except that I drank so much freaking coffee that I was jumping around my room in between writings to clean and by clean I mean cleaning like sorting out my nickels from my pennies kind of freak cleaning.

My friend and I grabbed a quick beer at a brewery and sat next to a couple that was obviously on a first date. The ordered a flight of beer and with his arm draped over her chair he went on and on about each beer saying things like, "this one is more of a showcase beer..." Later he said, "I watch Oprah, everyday." Then there was a pause that he quickly interrupted with, "But, I do watching action movies." Then he went on to give her tips about how to make the most of her workout. I wonder if he's getting a second date.

Went out to a Fringe Fest show. This show made me think I have brain damage as the male lead had brain damage. The show also had a PowerPoint aspect to it and for the first time in my life EVER a PowerPoint presentation wasn't boring. It turns out the secret to making a non-boring PowerPoint is to incorporate into it a HORRIBLE amateur rap video where a kid strokes his crotch while another kid sings. In other words the show was AMAZING except for the part at the beginning when a guy from the festival got up on stage and pretty much demanded that the audience give even more money to the festival and promptly sent around women in chef hats to pass around rubber chicken baskets like we were in church. In a way though I guess we were.

Other than that I went to a writer party that turned out to be only half writers. The other half was gay men. Later I found out that not only was the prettiest gay man a good kisser (word of mouth (hee hee hee)) he had kissed nearly all of the gay men at the party. Later me and my friend whose 7th anniversary we were celebrating sat and watched a couple who is truly in love gently paw each other. We both went on and on about how wonderful it is that they have found each other. Then my friend abruptly turned to me and said, "You'll find that someday." I should've had him guarantee it somehow.

Okay so I am so friggin tired and already hungover I am going to bed. That is all until tomorrow...

Tip of the Day: Hard cider is not always a good idea.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 379

I have been avoiding meeting new people in my building. By avoiding I mean not going to orientation-y events or going out of my way. But, this morning, I sat next to a new guy from my building. Not only did he make pterodactyl noises he also ate an entire breakfast and then went back up to get two muffins which he dipped in peanut butter (btw, when he realized on of them was carrot he quit eating it, I am pretty sure he hates vegetables). After he ate the muffins he went back up and got a bagel that dripped jelly all over the table. He also has the longest name I have ever seen. He smokes--a ton. And, he is flaming. Guess I made a new BFF.

Let's see...what else happened today? I went to work at the pub and got yelled at by the boss man. Then, after I was like, 'What the hell?' to all the employees he came and apologized to me and kept apologizing to me all day. I don't mind getting yelled at a little if it means that I will spend the rest of my day getting doted on. At least I'm not the one who did the senseless yelling...for once.

This evening I spoke with my mother on the phone. I think it's hilarious that every time I talk to her she is the one to say, "Okay, well I have to get going now." Anyway, before she ditched me she read me my fall horoscope. Apparently, I am going to find love between September 14th and October 28th. Another major topic was her upcoming (in friggin March) birthday. I suggested a bouncy room and a petting zoo. She seemed more worried about having enough margarita buckets and beers. At least we can both agree on the Taco wagon and cake ideas.

I caved today. I ate the damn chicken dip. The chicken dip is basically breaded chicken breasts cut into fish stick shapes, covered in cheap cheese, and drenched in honey mustard. I didn't even realize that my consumption of the chicken dips had gotten out of control until the guy at the coffeeshop I frequent (the home of the chicken dip) saw me one day a couple weeks ago and said, "Chicken dip?" The guy doesn't even know my name. Today I went in to find him working. It's been a couple chicken dip-less weeks so I thought he'd forgotten about my addiction. I asked him, "What am I having?" He pointed to the chicken dip. I said, "Yes, but it's been a long time, right? I haven't had a chicken dip for like two weeks now." "You deserve it," he said. I need to quit hanging around places with enablers like that.

I have just completed an experiment. Result: It doesn't matter if I only see the last few minutes of Extreme Home Makeover I still tear up. If there was ever a person who truly believes I am a heartless bitch only needs to see me ball my face off watching television.

Tip of the Day: Watching That 70s show will not improve the quality of your life.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 378

This morning I was ridiculously productive. The only errand I didn't complete was the one that involved me waiting for over an hour in a line to find out that my US loan hadn't come through, I didn't think I needed to bother with that news yet. I got keys and went to the bank and set up direct deposits and bought books and visited my bodyguard's new place. From there he and I went for lunch where I told him I have so many jobs because I am cute. His response, "You are cute." And, he gave me a box of Darjeeling tea. I love my bodyguard. How the frakload did I live without him for four months?

Tonight I avoided going to another dreaded formal dinner. Formal dinner, as I understand it, is a whole lot of people getting dressed up and eating dinner that contains more seafood than usual while having to listen to speeches. The part that kills me though is that it is served buffet-style. I mean seriously? You want to have a fancy dinner and act like it's Old Country Buffet. Weird. There is no Old Country Buffet here. I bet it's because there are no cheap fat people here which would also explain why there is no Wal-mart and why there is an overabundance of yoga studios. Hmm...

Anyway, this next section I'd like to title: How I wasted 4 hours of my life not listening to speeches at a fancy dinner:

-Went out and ate a pita sandwich that had so much mustard in it that I thought I was going to be sick.

-Went to the library and realized that it was too quiet to be in. I put my bag down on a table and got a dirty look.

-Decided that if I ever make money I want to start a Family Guy channel so I don't have to worry about whether or not it will be on.

-Did some emailing and letter drafting. I am a very important lady, you know. I am even called "HBIC" Translation: Head Bitch in Charge.

-Invited the guy who I saw in a nightdress to be on gmail chat with me even though he wears a nightdress.

-Texted the flirty 21 year old at work I'd like to ravage. He didn't write back.

-Had my mother hang up on me.

-Realized that I AM still the girl I was in high school. My neighbor and I went to pick up our dinners that we had packaged for us. On the walk over she was saying our building was just like high school. I told her in high school I used to go two towns over to hang out.

-Got a text from the night dress boy telling me that I am a "boring lady" for not going to the fancy dinner.

-Chatted at my bodyguard on gmail chat. This means that I know he left his chat on and I bombarded it with a massive amount of lines including things like, "lalalala" and, "Who is your favorite character on Friends?"

All in all a pretty good evening. I think I will do another Family Guy check and go and read things that make me laugh out loud.

Ohh before I forget, I tweeted today. I suck at Twitter but once and awhile, usually when I am alone and think of something nasty to say I tweet it in. Today's tweet:
"I dont know much about fashion but if spandex has to stretch you probably shouldnt be in it."

Tip of the Day: Don't do drugs if you are over 25.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 377

This morning I was gabbing with my friends in Chicago. One told me about an upcoming date on chat. I called the other friend in Chicago who was telling me all about how ridiculous his orientation at his new school was. It was then that I looked in my planner only to realize that I was supposed to be at an orientation myself--an orientation that had already been going for 35 minutes. The best part was that I got there super late and without coffee but I the only available seat was between the two hottest people associated with my program. Even better was when one of the hotties turned to me and said in a hungover voice, "What's up?"

After the orientation meeting I ran back to my room to stop my hair straightener from burning down my building. Sidenote: Tonight I saw a Norwegian friend of mine and I asked him what he was carrying in the bag in his hand and he said, "Gasoline." I asked him if he was on the lookout to burn down a church. He said he was. Anyway, so I went to class this afternoon only to find out that I am the naughtiest girl there. But, the dumbest girl in the program was also there and the entire legion of gay men were there as well. Looks like this will be a class I will not be dropping. Although I am worried that the girl with the lipstick-shaped pen will outdo me in the comedy of the scripts we will write. Oh well at least I am still the naughtiest and not the dumbest.

A friend came over for dinner tonight. The last time she came over no one from my building sat by us and we both joked that it was because everyone thought we must certainly be on a lesbian date. This time she came over for dinner we deliberately sat far away and on our own to further create suspicion. But, this didn't quite work. Even though we were clearly not engaged with talking to anyone AT ALL this older man came and sat down and started to talk to us. Luckily my friend isn't a jerk like me and wasn't rude to him as I would have been had she not been there to buffer. She is no angel though, after dinner she laid in my bed and farted for an hour. Shit, even if I were a lesbian I wouldn't date that gassy bitch.

I just spent the last hour freaking myself out looking up "itchy red bumps skin rash" online. Do you have any idea how many skin rashes involved itchy red bumps? Holy frakking shit and some of them are terrifying. And damn Google to be Satan's asshole cleaner for having Google Image be so easy to use. Just the other night people I know (my idiot friends) looked up "anal piercing" on there and Google image had a plethora of ringed buttholes. I guess this technology makes life better?

I am also on the hating Kevin Pollack wagon. Why the hell does he talk to my favorite people for 2 hours at a stretch? Doesn't he realize I am supposed to do stuff with my time?

I want to formally apologize for my blog sucking lately. What can I say? I suck sometimes. I will try to do better but feel a torrent of excuses coming on before conditions change much. But, if you are bored you can always look up skin diseases on the internet and think you have them.

Tip of the Day: Don't look up skin conditions on the internet it will just make you insane.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 376

I can't believe I am actually saying this but I had a fantastic day. It could be the vodka but I am going to pretend it wasn't. Here is the quick rundown before the vodka catches up to me:

Morning: I went to breakfast which sucked but my horoscope said that no doors stay shut for a Scorpio. That's gotta be a good sign right? Well, unless there is disease and doom on the other side of the door.

Right before breakfast I found out that there was an undergrad orientation going on this morning. Normally, I could give a shit less but as queen of the association and having recently watched Obama's speech in Milwaukee I felt inspired to go and shake hands. So, I went. and not only did I not (for once make an assface of myself) there were also meat sandwiches.

Afternoon: I went to my first grad-level screenwriting course. During the class we had to write a three sentence pitch for the last movie we had seen. We read them aloud and analyzed them. Everyone in the class recognized mine right away so I imagine it was good. Well, the reaction was positive until the curly-haired probably-gay boy across from me said, "You just saw Back to the Future III for the first time? You are so behind."

Evening: After class I had to go to work. The writers in my program decided to have a reunion of sorts at the pub I work at. At first I was apprehensive about whether or not I should wait on my friends but then I came around. Turns out it is way easier to wait on a big group when you know everyone by name. And apparently, they feel more obligated to tip..or it could've been the fact that they didn't have to pay for anything because the millionaire author swooped up the remaining 250 dollar tab but I am going to go with the fact that they thought they got stellar service and yes that did include me yelling at them to keep their shirts on (I saw three people's tits).

Another awesome thing that happened at work tonight: I met the new guy. He flipped his hands around and winked at me and then got serious and looked like Humpty Dumpty. Later I came up with a line to describe him, "He could either be one of those people who has a room full of dead animals or a room full of stuffed animals but you can't tell which..."

Spell check is telling me that "assface" is not a word.

Tip of the Day: It'll be okay.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 375

Today it was Labo(u)r Day in both of the countries I have lived in. Naturally, I spent it watching television and picking my butt. I didn't even feel all that bad about it (okay, so I blamed it on my Aunt Flo and the rain). I didn't feel that bad anyway until I Skyped with my little brother. Who after he'd spoken his piece about how he fell in love with a Canadian girl and wanted to ditch our family to join a Peruvian family said to me, "So, you been writing all day then?" Despite this coming from a guy who has probably spent the last 5 hours drinking beer and playing videogames made me feel like shit.

Maybe one day when I am being interviewed by Kevin Pollack and he says, "Back in your last year of grad school you really had a boost in your productivity levels why is that? What happened?" I will respond, "Well Kevin, my brother pointed out that I wasn't doing anything with my life and it made me feel shitty." Then Kevin will laugh and I will be forced to laugh a little but deep down know that I owe my success to my brother calling me out on being a lazy butt scratching loser.

After an entire day spent indoors and alone I ventured out to supper in the dining hall of my residence. This being the first week of school means that there are tons of new people. Me, being a butt scratching idiot loser, didn't realize that this means there will be an overwhelming amount of people at dinner. Turns out my mother is right, I am an asshole. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to pull the flesh of my salmon from the scales in peace. Damn, I hate when mother is right. But, she IS right and I have vowed to myself to stop being such a jerk. Perhaps there is a youtube how-to video to give me tips on how to be nice. Pause. I just youtubed "how to be nice to people" and a Henry Rollins rant came up. Guess, I will remain a jerk but damn I miss listening to Black Flag.

It's really hard having crushes especially if those crushes are on celebrities. I am not just talking about the fact that you may never even be in the position to talk to them or even have them look at you. No. I am talking about the fact that if you have a crush on a non-celebrity you can stalk them online and it only takes like ten minutes to sift through the few photos of them on their Facebook pages. But, when you have a crush on a celebrity and go stalking (that is what you do with a crush, right, stalk them online) it can take days just to go through the first hundred hits you get, let alone the interviews, fansites, Twitter accounts and gossip rags. But damnit all if I can't find two hotter men in the world than Craig Ferguson and Seth MacFarlane. A girl has gotta have standards and apparently, no life at all so she can stalk celebrities online.

I spent the last few hours of my life watching my crushes speak on the Kevin Pollack chat show. I must say it is wonderful that you no longer have to watch 5 minute random interviews with your crushes and wish that they lasted longer. But, it's like they (whoever the fuck that means) say, Be careful what you wish for... After watching Seth MacFarlane I was more in love than ever. After I realized that two hours of my life had gone by without me writing anything (again) I was not so grateful for the two hour video of him talking and drinking and looking classically handsome. But, I might watch it again...tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, school starts tomorrow. I even have a class to attend. But, sadly, instead of being able to go out for drinks afterward I have to work at the pub serving those drinks to my drunken friends. But then again, there is something nice about being paid to hang out with your friends and I can get wacky on Monster energy drinks. Anyway, I am excited about this year of learning. Am I worried that it will cut into my Family Guy marathon-watching time? Signs point to yes. Do I have a new outfit to wear to school? Very doubtful. Do I even know where my first class is going to be held? Ask again later. Will I survive? Concentrate and ask again.

All I know for sure is that I may have to cut back a little on the blogging. Hopefully that means that all of the shitty parts of this blog will be gone and only the insightful thoughts about the human condition will remain to inspire future generations. Who am I kidding? I don't think I can even define the word "insightful" but I certainly can define the word "shit." Who knows what will happen to this blog. I just hope that I will be too busy to bitch about how I am an asshole. I don't really care if I am or am not an asshole I just want to be too busy to drone about it. Hopefully that is what school can do for me. Does that mean I will ever stop being a butt scratching loser? It is decidedly so.

Well, time for my beauty rest. If rest made people beautiful the most beautiful people wouldn't be awake to enjoy the glory of it. I think I'd rather be the ugly and wakeful.

Tip of the Day: Do something.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 374

This morning I woke up and did tons of chores. I was scrubbing and taking trash out and doing laundry and tidying all morning long without even having a coffee. I guess dark chocolate, Midol, and the fumes from Lysol cleaner are just enough to turn you into a clean machine.

Today I was talking to my mother as she was getting ready for unwanted guests. She said to me, "...and I only have three hours to get the house cleaned up and make a meal and your father is in the shower so he'll probably get out and want to have sex." After I nearly threw up we talked about other things and she said not too much later, "Alright, well, I have to go." To which I said, "Go have sex with dad?" Then she was the one who was silent.

This afternoon I was waiting for my bodyguard to come back from India. I haven't seen him in four months. His new place of residence just so happens to be near the coffeeshop I like so I sat in the window seat like a puppy that nearly jumps every time someone passes by. He didn't show up then and while I got an outline done I went home and realized that I could do my idea better and wondered where my bodyguard could be.

Finally, later in the afternoon, I met up with my bodyguard. He was wearing my favorite shirt and looked fantastic for having traveled for almost two days straight. I hugged him and didn't let go for a long, long time. We went out for his birthday and met some friends at a favorite writer haunt.

At one point I was telling two of the people at the table that I was going to go on the pill again to try and control my periods and so that I don't feel like such an asshole before and during my time of the month. What I didn't realize was that the entire was listening and those at the edges were saying, "What? She's getting back on the pill?" Finally, I looked around the whole table and asked, "I am going on the pill again, is that alright with you?"

Later I got into it with the boyfriend of a writer friend and got a few lectures from different people about how I hate and judge people too easily. Then, as always, people didn't pay enough on the bill and I was one of the people that got stuck having to pay more. And, when I was sick of everyone picking at me my friend made fun of the fact that I was going to cry. Seriously? I wanted to hang around these people? On the walk to the bus I thanked my bodyguard for never being one of those people that was hypercritical of everything I said and for knowing that I am not an asshole. I don't think he realized how much I meant it.

Moral of the story: Take more Midol, don't talk to Canadians who pick apart everything you say and go on and on for hours about how you shouldn't judge things and how you should like everyone.

Tonight I realized that for as many hours of my life I have spent watching and listening to Lady Gaga I had not even looked at her wikipedia page. What kind of little monster am I? Is there some sort of Gaga penance that could be performed for a sin this large?

Alright I am going to bed before the Midol haze wears off.

Tip of the Day: Friends aren't supposed to make you feel like shit all the time.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 373

Since I have been living in this residence building many academic-types have said something to the effect of, "Oh, you are a writing major? So you get to sit around and write stories and stuff, that sounds like so much fun!" Most of the time I want to slap them and say, "Really, fucker? You think this shit is fun or easy? You think that it would be MORE difficult for me to study a subject like Mathematics that actually has some answers and correct ways of doing shit or at least pointers to know you are on track?! Go to hell!" But today, after I realized the freeing revelation that everything I have been doing towards my thesis was completely the wrong thing to do, I actually thought, "Yeah, I get to sit around all day and think up and write stories, I am lucky."

After I put everything in order and for the millionth time thought for sure that I am on track (who knows if you keep trying something's gotta work, right?) I went to the corporate movie store where I am on a cheap deal and milled around looking for tons of shit they don't have. Then, I went to the thriftstore and milled around for tons of shit they don't have. Finally I wound up back on campus to realize a few things:

-I don't care who sees me buying feminine hygiene products anymore. Maybe it stemmed from when I was a young teen and my mother and I used to go shopping and instead of pulling out a pen to write her check she'd accidentally pull out a tampon in front of cute checkout boys but somewhere along the way I got embarrassed to buy girl shit. Now, I look at it more like a game when I bring my damming products up to the checkout boy I almost want to be like, "Yeah, that's right I may be on my period right now and you have no idea what I may do next..."

-The campus is overtaken by undergrads. I am not really okay with this because I don't really want to have to navigate my way around children carrying cheap beer cases but I do like the parents that are coming along with them. When I was at my favorite hideaway on campus today I noticed an older couple (obvious parents) who were waiting around for their daughter to call them. The Dad was then sent out on a mission and left. The daughter came in and took the mother with her. Then, the father returned to the cafe looking for them and I could hear cursing under his breath.

-For the past few days tons of people have been telling me that I need to be more social. Today I even had a guy who hasn't lived in my building for at least two years but comes to dinner every night tell me that I should really go to the orientation events my residence is having. I asked him why and he said, "Because it will be less awkward." "What will be less awkward?" "Things like talking to people at dinner," he said. "It's one or two hours of your life and it will save you so much hassle," he added. I am not sure what "hassle" he is talking about. If you don't talk to anyone you don't have any hassle. Actually, what I should've said to him is, "Well, is there an orientation to make this interaction less awkward and hassle-ly?"

I did socialize this evening and by socialize I mean, I went to see my anti-social friend. We watched a shitty dance movie together and drank Coke. We even talked for hours. That's right, I can be social people, sometimes I just don't want to be social with social people.

Tip of the Day: Good and Plenty candies are so friggin delish they make me say delish.

-Canadian Castaway

Day 372

This blog comes to you from my secret hideout. My secret hideout is a place I go to because nobody (except two guys I sort of have crushes on) knows where it is and cannot find me here. Do I sound like a crazy person yet? Just wait...

This morning I woke up and had to go straight back to the pub to work. When I got there I found out that I was stuck with four new people and was expected to train and help out. Luckily, they sort of knew what they were doing and for at least most of the time they seemed sane and kind. And by "most of the time" I am specifically talking about the time when the girl I was training was like, "Oh, you study Creative Writing. I had a friend who studied Creative Writing. You know what she's doing now? She's managing a Starbucks. Isn't that what you do if you study Creative Writing?" Or the awkward moment when the guy I was training said, "I'd like to teach English in maybe Korea or Japan when I am done with my degree. I don't like China because I don't like Communism."

Anyway, while I was there I had a pack of law students to wait on. And by "a pack of law students" I mean a table that started out with four and grew to 14. Not only were they huge alcoholics, they were the snobby, mean variety of alcoholics not the fun-loving kind. They were so nasty that when we put gratuity on their check because they were a party of 10 or more they all had private debates with me about why they thought it was unfair. And they weren't the fun sort of debate where you say your piece and then listen to what the other person has to say and then move on. They were the type of debates where my, "Well, it's policy and it's to protect that the servers get tipped. It's maybe not so much for you guys as for the 19 year olds who come in here" wasn't heard at all. They sort of make me want to become rich just so that I can prove to that there are high profile people who can be kind. Also, if I were rich enough I could find someone to torch their houses or cut the brake lines in their BMWs.

If I am not in a shitty enough mood I have to be reminded via how everyone updates their friggin Facebook status that I am the ONLY FUCKING PERSON on the planet that doesn't have an iPhone. Also, I have to confront the fact that there are tons of my Facebook friends who are sooo fricking happy and lovey dovey about their impending weddings and I have grown into the type of person who is hateful at other people's happiness. This just a reminder that I have not yet blossomed into the type of person who isn't jealous, ever, and goes out and makes their own life instead of thinking everyone else has it better. I wonder if the secret to that is drugs or denial?

And as an added bonus my mother, even though I told her this evening that I wish she was here to hug me and play cards with me said, "I have to finish eating my pizza now and I need two hands to do it. I'll call you later!" I am going to blame her for me turning into a narcissistic asshole.

Right now, I think I'll pop some pills, eat some cheesecorn and wait to see if my creepy horoscope comes true. Here is an excerpt:

"You need to pay attention to your dreams -- more than you usually do, anyway! Your great spiritual energy makes you a conduit to something much deeper, and the messages come at night."

"...the messages come at night" Seriously? If I have it my way a bottle of wine will knock me out and I won't have to go to bed and witness the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and especially not my Starbucks future (that little fucking cunt).

Tip of the Day: Don't call mother.

-Canadian Castaway