Day 342
Today was my first full day back in Canada. I realized that many of the people who inhabit this ridiculously friendly land are super good-looking. While this is great for the eye candy aspect, after so long everyone is just everyone and no one seems that hot anymore. Whereas, in the U.S. (particularly the Midwest) there are lots of mediocre to awful-looking people. These people make you feel good about yourself AND are more interesting to look at.
This morning I went out to buy a daily planner with my friend. As I was looking through the shitty horizontal day-type bullshit planners I was bitching to him about their design. He listened and laughed and finally said, "This is what I missed about you when you were gone: your ability to bitch about anything." I have decided to take that as not only a compliment but an observation of my super power that will help me take over the world.
The pub I used to work at got shut down quite awhile ago due to serving minors who then fell off of a rooftop garden and tattled that they got drunk at our establishment. Today there was a meeting with our new manager about getting the place back open and his plan to make it better. I wanted to hate him so badly. Turns out not only is he super smart, he has been a bartender for decades and seems to understand and care about where we are coming from AND he isn't a perv or a know-it-all, or unfair in anyway. Whatever will I bitch about? I will have to go out and get a hobby now. Fucking-A, I don't want to take up needlepoint.
It finally happened today: I crashed my bike. I had my new giant red handbag on my shoulder and then it fell to my arm and then it fell to the handlebars and just as I was about to pull over to adjust it, it caught in the spokes and I wound up with throbbing palms, scrapped knees, and a bruised arm. Not only was I injured, Elliot (my bike) was injured as well, his handlebars were bent almost 90 degrees. There are a two things I have thought of since:
-Did I hit my head and I am in a concussive state right now and is that why I am so tired?
-The guy who stopped to help me asked me, "Are you hurt?" I told him I wasn't and shooed him away. What if he was supposed to be my hero? Sidenote: At supper this girl laughed and said, "Your hero, really? Would you seriously want your hero coming up to you and asking, "Are you hurt?" I thought about it for a sec and replied, "Actually, yeah, that is exactly what I would want him to say."
At supper the cooks felt bad for me so they gave me a beer on credit. Drinking beer was all I wanted to do since I got into my accident but I couldn't make it to the liquor store. During supper (perhaps due to a concussion or beer) I got a bit surly and turned to the doctor-type guy that I sort of have a crush on, looked him right in the eye and asked, "Are you actually a nice guy or are you an asshole?" He didn't respond with a specific answer, guess he must be an asshole.
Another guy in my building whom I had a crush on came to my aid when he heard that Elliott was broken and thus proved himself to not be an asshole without me even having to ask. I told him that the bike was broken and he came right over to look at it, assessed the damage, and declared, "I can fix that." Then, he rode off on what I thought was a test drive and I waited and thought, 'Gee, he must really like riding Elliott." And then I waited some more and thought, 'Gee, wouldn't that be hilarious if he stole my bike?!' Then I waited some more. Then I called him and he didn't answer and then I didn't think the idea of him stealing my main man was hilarious at all. Finally, he showed up and he had gone to get tools to fix Elliott so I felt kinda awful when I had said, "Where the hell were you?!"
Well, I am off to bed as tomorrow is my second to last day at Canada FUCKING Post. Wish me luck and the ability to not curse out customers.
Tip of the Day: What does it make you if you get your life advice from watching Gene Simmons's Family Jewels?
-Canadian Castaway
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