Day 381

There are a few things I never thought I'd say in this life. There are a few things that I couldn't even imagine saying and, "Okay, I am gonna admit that I was late because I was reading King Lear" wasn't one of them. Yeah that's right, I had to read Shakespeare this morning when I was hungover. At first I was pissed off at the vague language and having to keep one finger in the text and the other in the explanatory footnotes, but when I started to see the characters and plots he was setting up I couldn't help but think how scandalous they must have been back in the day. A king turns nutso and his daughters renounce him and a bastard son stands up for himself by blackmailing his father and brother. Wow. That shit was the equivalent of showing someone get their friggin anus pierced on stage. Shakespeare is pretty fucking amazing even if you are hungover and too stupid to understand half the words he's using.

Today marks the day that I reunited with my food buddy/confidant. She flew here from many hours away, allegedly to see other people than just me but fuck that I know the truth. One of the best parts about her visiting is that she brought snacks. The snacks were amazing and so was her laughter at me trying to read Icelandic packaging. She thinks I should get my own youtube channel. I think she might be onto something. Anyway, she is down in my room right now laying on a partially deflated air mattress in front of the TV with the remnants of snacks around her and I am going to roustle her into playing this lame Monopoly card game with me so I must make this brief, let alone the fact that I am occupying a secret space in my building that has a kamikaze moth in it and a mysterious flea-like white bug. Perhaps if I caught the bugs in here I could start an insect circus...

Anyway, we watched the Video Music Awards together. A few observations:

Chelsea Handler asks Justin Bieber if he was wearing a wig, I wish I could show that to EVERY person I meet and if they don't laugh I will know that we are NOT going to be friends. It would save me a ton of time.

Umm, I hate to admit it but Taylor Swift can sing. AND she can sing a beautiful song about Kanye. But I really wonder if all is forgiven? I also wonder if last year after the VMAs if Taylor thought Kanye's interruption was hilarious or devastating. I would hope she thought it was hilarious.

I love that I am so out of touch with anything that isn't Lady Gaga or Drake-related and I watched the show with a friend of mine that can even tell you who discovered whom and who cheated on who with who. Shit, I am not even sure how to use who or whom properly. Can you imagine me watching the show with her and asking, "Who is that?" "Who is that?" "What award is that?" "Who is that?"

And finally, I am going to share a fact about my personal day-to-day existence: Everyday I wake up and listen to Bad Romance. Everyday. Seriously. So, when Gaga won that first award and announced that all her little monsters and her were the cool kids today I teared up and couldn't breathe and had I watched the show alone I would've balled. Who knew that being a cool kid for a night would make you want to ball.

And Kanye...well, I feel the same way. I am a douche bag too most of the time (except when I am listening to my daily Gaga fix) and I truly believe that everyone (even Taylor Swift) is a douche bag so his new tune is an anthem for the world. Plus, he wore a red suit. If that doesn't do it for you, how can you not like a song that has the words "jerk off" in it?

Okay, so I think I am going to go back to my room now and see if there are any unpronounceable snacks left.

Tip of the Day: Don't ever put yourself into the position of eating a fifth cookie.

-Canadian Castaway