Day 36
Today I found a new hobby to add to my collection of fun things to do in the library. It's almost as good as running up and down aisles fingering bindings. There I was, sitting at my carrel and I had a tickle in my throat so I coughed. After I coughed I blew my nose. The tension built around me. These people have heard about the deadly swine flu and have acquired the reflex that triggers the body to recoil at any sign of sickness. I too have this reflex to the point of removing myself from rooms when encountered with even a single sneeze. But, what I didn't realize was that being the person who emits these "symptom-like" behaviors could be such a thrill. It makes me wonder if other people are fake coughing and sneezing just to watch others recoil or, does the fact that I have thought this through make me a genius or a nut job?
Scorpio's horoscope today (yes I read horoscopes, usually aloud, mostly to piss of my pretentious rez mates) said to not say anything as scorpios words would be "too aggresive" today and cause harm in the coming weekend. So, I spent the day in fear that I would say something overly "aggressive". Guess what happened? I made horrid jokes about genre-writing to a genre-writer who then threatened to kill me and my friends. I told the married guy I have a crush on that I liked his pants (does that sound sexual or just creepy, I'm not sure). I bashed the French language to a Quebecian. I made fun of my boss because she used the wrong calendar. I stormed into the "Quiet Study Area" to bitch about nothing to a friend who was desperately trying to finish a paper for class. I am starting to wonder what will happen this weekend, there are just too many possible sources of harm. Maybe I'll go buy a helmet.
Tonight, after a death march down city streets to a Canadian Legion (I know right, what the hell do they have a legion for, it's not like they send tons of men to battle) I spent the night in the company of different men. The first man was the long term boyfriend of a friend. I fell completely in love with him I was fascinated by his beauty and way with words. I could've listened to him talk forever. My friend made a few jokes about my behavior (I carried his fucking jacket for him) and acted as though her friends fell in love with her boyfriend in front of her everyday. I really ought to promote her to best friend, who does that kind of thing? She must be a total idiot or completely amazing.
The second man I encountered after the lovefest was a man covered in tattoos from children's books and had arms like Popeye. He introduced himself to me and spoke of hockey. And, when I saw a large old woman playing shuffleboard (or whatever the hell the slide the "rocks" game is) and said, "That's me in thirty years" he said, "At least you still have big guns." I fell in love and then he told me he was only 20. Why did that sound so young? Why didn't I kiss him? It's not like he was 17. Where's Marty McFly and the Dolorean when you need 'em?
My absolute favorite man of the evening was the man who taught me how to shoot the rock. He had thick-framed glasses that stood out against his bright white wispy hair and well-kept dentures. He had to be somebody's grandfather (somebody at least my age). He showed me how to position my hands on the "rock" and what sorts of motions my thumb should go through. After his demonstration he slid a hand in the general area near my waist and put me in front of him, never really letting go as he continued to coach my movements. I let the rock go and he smiled with pride and told me what a great job I had done. He then made me promise to come back and play again someday before he and his friends left me to put away the game for them.
With me all night tonight was my recently acquired Bengali bodyguard. He is 6'2" and weighs 154 pounds AND has longish hair and the tiniest fingers I've ever seen. I love him. Here are a few reasons why:
1. He comes when I call him.
2. He doesn't mind that he doesn't get paid.
3. He always says "What a beautiful night" because he really is mesmerized every time he goes outside.
4. He peed in the woods the other day.
5. When I met him for the first time in class he wanted his fun fact to be that he sometimes hallucinates without being under the influence of anything.
6. He's feisty.
7. He extends his protection and walking services to everyone I tell him to.
8. He gives good advice, seriously, on par with Sally Jesse Raphael.
9. He is always lost and underprepared.
10. And, he didn't kill me when I told him to eat something because he was starting to look like Gandhi or when I asked him if in India they don't have phones because they still use cans with string.
What more could a girl ask for?
SPECIAL UPDATE: As of tomorrow, in an attempt to stop saying the Canadian, "I'm sorry" I will be replacing "I'm sorry" with, "That's right, bitch." I'll let you know how it turns out.
-Canadian Castaway
No comments:
Post a Comment