Day 55
I am conducting a study on Canadian reactions to physical behavior. I make a lot of "sudden movements." When I jerk my head around to see something, or karate chop the air when I am fake killing somebody, or when I nearly fall out of my chair to check out some guy walking out of view Canadians around me get nervous. Hell, if my eye wanders from theirs in conversation they whip around to see what I'm looking at as though someone had said, "Look! It's Elvis And, he's thin and alive!"
I always ask them why they are behaving in this way. Why they look when I look or ask me, "What's going on?" when I am staring off at nothing and they always put it back on me saying that I just whipped my head or eyes around in a "sudden movement." (this makes me want to turn my fake karate chop into a real one) For awhile I thought that maybe it was my fault. Do I have tourettes, I'd wondered? (I do shout out strings of curses without knowing it) then I thought no, that's just what they want me to think, that I'm the problem. Maybe those Canadians are just jealous of my pizazz. Maybe they wished they could make "sudden movements" and dramatic gestures. I think I've finally found my calling, I could hold seminars all over this country regarding the benefits of dramatic self expression. It wouldn't work you say? Wrong! It would work if only because Canadians are too nice to say know.
Tonight at supper I sat at the America table. The captain of the America table is not only Hawaiian and gay he can really spin a good racist joke which means he can clear away Canadians from the dinner table. This point was proven (like it is everyday) tonight when I noticed that a guy was sitting all by himself. One of his friends said he was not feeling well. The Captain and I started to guess what country he was from, trying to decide if he was an ally to the American table or an enemy. After we guessed every Spanish speaking country in the world his friend revealed that he was from Columbia. The Captain said that he liked Mexican people because they cleaned up after him and started to make motions of sweeping the floor. I laughed my half drunk ass off (I would've laughed had I not been drunk). He is too absurd.
The half-Canadian/half-Texan at our table immediately turned even whiter (it was like magic 'cause she was already super white). She then offered to cook for the Captain of our table on the condition that he spend one entire day not cracking any racist jokes. He retorted, "I didn't mean it in a bad way, we give them jobs. What's wrong with that?" She went on in her quest with some bullshit about how being positive can be just as funny. Then she turned to me and said, "Really you should try it for just one day." I looked her dead in her perfect little eyes and said, "I would die if I spent an entire day being 'positive'." She left soon after as the Captain had went on to verbally disparage another ethnic group. And, she was only half Canadian! Just think how humorless and preachy a full-blooded one would've been. We should really put an American flag on the table to fend off these sorts meddling with our merrymaking.
After the dinner fiasco I settled into a game of Trivial Pursuit here is a brief re-cap:
I was the only native English speaker playing and I didn't know the meanings of all the words. Luckily my foreign friends grew up in better school systems, didn't eat a diet of candy and french fries and probably have intelligence, not television dependency in their genes.
There were a ton of geography questions and I found out that I may know the names of European countries I do not know their locations. (Note: Except Germany, I learned that one from the map in the hallway this morning.)
There were no cockroaches around the couches tonight, that I could see. I was too afraid to take apart the couch cushions or move the couches to find out if they were around.
The German guy is not only super good at the game but he yelled, "Yay!" with me in a girly voice like 39 times. If every German were that fun I'd consider moving there (which would be infintely easier considering I now know where it's located).
Anyway, I was the loser, the only chip my pie-shaped token had gathered had gotten there because I had cheated and I still lost because everyone else had actually earned two chips per pie.
But, I got to hear my French neighbor read the questions with his thick accent. And, I beat an Engineer in an impromptu game of Who Can Stack the Most Pie-like Pieces in a Tower, although he may not have been trying, but it doesn't really matter I still won. Yay! (it's not as fun without the German, although I should be upset with him because he wasn't all that impressed that I knew the location of his homeland, oh well, I can learn to forgive, but I'll still hold a grudge for 3 days)
-Canadian Castaway
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