Wedding Lessons and Hangovers

Day 338

Yesterday I didn't write. I tried, I swear. After attending my friend's wedding and while I was still very buzzed I realized that the internet in my shithole hotel didn't ,that coupled with a mysterious bag I found in the room made me disgusted.

Yesterday's wedding was only the second wedding I have ever attended in my life. Here are a few things I learned from it:

-Getting dressed up is not terrible, it is interesting. Who knew that they made pantyhose that go up to your tits?! While getting ready my friend and I compared these devices that no doubt came from the de-evolution of corsets. Tip: Go with your friend and discuss these horrible hose so that after the dinner is served she will feel comfortable leaning over to share, "My girdle is full!"

-There is always the schmuck. Now, I learned this from The Wedding Singer but it is true. Last night's schmuck is known for coming over to my house (years ago) and drinking all of my grape Kool-aid while giving me a lecture about how I have the wrong type of air conditioner. He is even more famous for the remark he made to my girdle-wearing partner years ago when she was pregnant. He said, "Wow, now that your pregnant you have really nice tits!"

Not only did this schmuck somehow make it into the wedding party, he also grabbed the mike and gave a speech. He sounded like a used car salesmen. I zoned out halfway through and thought about how hard my friend and I had laughed just an hour earlier after we heard a story about how the schmuck broke his leg awhile ago. Later, my girdle-buddy was found talking to him. I went up to save her only to find out that she was bonding with him by pointing out how he was and is a huge asshole. I joined in the fun. Later, a few cocktails later, I told him that I appreciated that he was a true (not half-assed) asshole. His response, "You have nice tits."

-Okay so that guy that had a crush on you a few years ago will be there and he will be showing you his new tattoos which WILL involve taking off his shirt. And, when you first say hello to him he will tell you that he has a prince albert. And, he will try to grind on you on the dance floor and if you run away he WILL chase you and your sloshed friend WILL think it is just a joke and not come to your aid. Ugh.

-If you are attending a wedding of an old friend you will see people that you used to hang out with and you will (if you are lucky) look around and finally realize that you have super hot friends and thus you also must be super hot.

-I learned that the guy that you used hug and who gets tipsy and grabs your ass but you don't hate him for it because he is fun and friendly will be the best man, of course. He will look fabulous in his suit and you will want to hug him all night long. And just after you held onto him for way too long and your girdled friend is rubbing his man boobs his new skinny, tranny-look-alike girlfriend will beeline over. Later, she will scream at him and start crying and make a scene and you will feel superior to her and know that you were right to judge her as a bitch.

-The artsy friend of yours from long ago will be there with his awesome and charming new girlfriend and he will dance for a long time. When you tell him that he has moves he will say it was the cocaine he snorted before he arrived at the wedding and you will giggle but not really know if it was a joke.

-When you are walking to the second bar after the reception you will be next to the bride and she will be telling you how she is the bride and nobody can run her over with a car because that would be rude as she is a bride. Then she will giggle and apologize for being wasted and she will comment about how you will remember her being wasted and remind her of it one day. You will tell her that you are probably too drunk to remember anything that happens...but, you lied.

So that is a very brief summary of the main events and lessons from the wedding. Today I woke up in my hotel room after only a few hours of sleep and a hangover thus today's highlights aren't nearly as exciting and I come off as a dickhead in them but here they are in abridged form:

-I went out for breakfast at a cafe I used to frequent and the owner was so excited to see me that she picked up the tab for my bacon, cream cheese, and green olive hangover omelet. The bad news is that my friend I haven't seen in awhile showed up and I was a pompous, teasing jerk to him and I didn't realize it until hours later.

-I went to the grocery store with my father and he let me drive his huge truck that makes me feel ridiculously redneck and patriotic and powerful. I parked it and was about to run in when my dad started to bitch about how rude it was of me to park where he was in direct sunlight I got back into the truck. He then yelled, "Start the son of a bitch!" I told him that the two old ladies in the parking lot heard him. Instead of being embarrassed he was in hysterics. When I moved the truck the sun was still beating on him.

Other than that it is just a lot of me whining and looking at handbags in a store and chopping cucumbers. So I will say, until tomorrow...

Tip of the Day: If your arm itches don't think about how it could be that you were bitten by bedbugs in your hotel last night instead, think that it is all in your head or that your parents slipped you some meth in your beef stroganoff.

-Canadian Castaway