Today and Yesterday

Day 325

Actual conversation that have occurred in my parents' house today:

My Mom looked up from the newspaper and said: "A six year old choked on a hotdog and died."

My Dad said, "That happened here too awhile back, some little Mexican girl choked on a hotdog and died."

"Yep, she died," said Mother.

Other than the above and listening to a conversation about whether or not a furniture truck was a furniture truck, whose house it was pulling up to and deciphering what was inside, my day was spent shopping. I have a wedding to go to and nothing to wear. Here is a quick tour of the shopping that occurred:

"The Fat Lady Store:" This store is exactly as my mother describes it. It is a store for fat ladies. Thus, I walked in eating an ice cream cone. Turns out the employees, all fat ladies, were on lunch break. It was perfect. But, I would like to rename the store: "The Fat Lady Store for Fat Ladies Who Dress Terribly."

Lane Bryant: This is the mecca of fat lady shopping. Thus, they should have something for every fat lady. The other major LB positive factor is that they carry high quality clothing. Apparently, all other fat lady stores cater to or assume that fat ladies are also trashy and only buy ugly-floral printed smocks to match their bingo daubers. The main thing about Lane Bryant and me is that every time I go in there I am excited to find something that is somewhat stylish and fits but this never happens so I act like a diva and spout sarcastic comments about everything and fat people in general. The thing that always gets me though is that the employees try even harder to help me. Today's poor victim of my debauchery even stated, after my apology for my rudeness that I wasn't nearly as rude as yesterday's customers. The ladies who work at LB should be given honorary Psychology degrees and raises according to the APA guidelines for therapists/counselors base payment scale.

Dress Barn: The Dress Barn is a place I always used to make fun of, actually, on the way there I was making fun of its name. I decided to go in with my mother so that I could have more things to make fun of. I didn't suspect that I would walk out of there with two dresses. I guess I should be happy but I don't even have one single new joke to poke fun at the DB. The only jokes I have about Dress Barn now are self-deprecating. Damn you, Dress Barn.

ShopKo: This store is basically a souped up K-mart. I always get horribly mad when I look at and try on their clothes because they are ugly and ill-fitting and cheap. But today I found a pair of shoes on sale that resembled a pair of pink shoes worn by my doll from childhood, Cricket. The best part of this store though was seeing all of the high school kids working there who would shut up as we passed and put on faces like they weren't just cussing and telling a story about their drunken friend who did something whorish.

So, that was pretty much was happened today, minus my dad bitching at me for everything you can think of. Let's see what I can remember from yesterday...

The beginning of yesterday had me and my friend shopping and eating. Apparently, this is all I do and I am not even getting all that good at it. I am continuously buying shit I don't need and spilling food on my shirts. Anyway, after that I went to the bar I used to work at to find tons of regulars I used to know quite well. One of these regulars that is always trying to get her husband to come home decided to park it at the bar and order a Mai Tai. Before long the entire bar was drinking Mai Tais.

Later my friend and I showed off our mustache-shaped necklaces by holding them up to where our mustaches would be if we had grown them ourselves. Turns out though, when you hold up a fake mustache to your face and try to talk everything comes out in an English accent. And--much to my surprise--the accent wasn't annoying it was actually quite funny.

Later on a group of people showed up. These people consisted of a guy I once made out with and his new girlfriend. Also, there was the best friend of the guy who I made out with and who upon hearing that I would be in town had responded, "Great, now we can smooch." And, if all of that wasn't bad enough there was another guy with them who when he saw me said, "Do you give free rides?" And, after all of that, I didn't get a smooch.

Before that odd crew showed up, two different people I know who now have babies showed up. They all gathered around and talked about motherhood and how many more kids they wanted to have and what different pregnancies were like. A few old men came by and scared the babies and the Mom's in the room hushed them and the chatter continued about eating and sleeping habits of children and how they grow up so quick and for the first time in a long time I had nothing at all to offer. Nobody ever tells you that when you grow up and you don't become a mother you will have nothing to say sometimes.

In the later part of the evening there was a woman sitting with a couple of people whose blonde-haired 3 year old was wandering the bar patio trying to get attention from everyone. At first I thought the kid was quite obnoxious. I realized that the kid was just a 3 year old stuck in a bar full of adults way past his bedtime and I felt sad. My friends and I started to play with him and he gathered a few quarters. When anyone would leave the patio area he would try to give them one of his quarters. As I was leaving he came racing up to me and I had already prepared my "No you keep it" speech but he didn't offer me the quarters like he had done to everyone else to me he said, "Hug?"

I realized the best part about having been gone for awhile is that when you come back everyone is truly glad to see you. Other than that things are largely the same which isn't just odd but it is sad in a way that is hard to describe and I know that's a cop out. But the funny thing you don't expect is the amount of times people ask you when you are leaving again.

Tip of the Day: Don't let the dog breathe on you.

-Canadian Castaway