Day 314
This morning I had to say goodbye to Hank and realize that I have become a freak. Hank is the African Violet I won at drag queen bingo. He is a diva plant who owns me. I carried him and pushed Elliot (my bike) up the hill to the Math Department today. The whole time yelling at Elliot to stop swerving and telling Hank that we were almost there. Never did I grow up thinking that I would become a mother to a bike and a plant that I would talk to like they are human beings.
When I arrived at my friend's office in the empty bowels of the Math Department. I was telling Hank, "Now be good for him, Hank. And, don't love him more than you love me." My friend was all very understanding and yet giggly about the whole thing. Then we went on and on gabbing about gossipy things like hateful lesbians. We laughed and bitched and all of a sudden this blonde girl (who could've been a lesbian) came out of the darkness of the hallway and left. I wonder if she heard all the talk about how my friend doesn't do shit when he's at work and how I call people cunts.
I worked at Canada Post again today. But somehow it was different. I mean the people were still idiots and a-holes and my coworker called a customer, "disgraceful" but there was change in the air, a calm. It wasn't until the middle of my shift when I realized that it may very well be the last shift I work at that dump. I could just not come back after my trip, I'd thought. And I didn't even for one second think about how I would miss it there, in fact, to celebrate my potential quitting I took off 45 minutes early and had sangria with a friend.
I am doing this experiment in going to bed early. For the trip I will be taking shortly I will have to wake up at 4 am. Since I normally go to bed around 2 am and cannot sleep on planes or in cars this could be quite an issue. I am hoping that I will not be a witch to my best friend's boyfriend who is taking a week off work to accommodate me and is even meeting me at the airport. Would it be weird to text him to make sure he knows that I am a bitch and traveling for 10 hours is only going to make it much, much worse and that he should leave me a 5 foot circle of space at all times and never, ever give me anything that could be used as a weapon? I wonder if he'd reconsider me staying at their place. Shit.
There are always crazy homeless people on the bus. The great thing is, is that none of them are ever alike. The guy today was shirtless, wearing shorts and eating Jalapeno chips and making polite, albeit loud conversation with strangers about the weather in different parts of Canada noting too many times that he likes being hot instead of cold. What I wonder is if the strangers noticed that he was scratching his junk the whole time. I tweeted about his potential crabs (yeah, I tweet now) in the hopes that the people sitting on either side of me would notice that I was tweeting about it. They didn't but, maybe my 11 followers will. Yeah, 11 followers biotch. Well, at least I thought this was awesome until I realized that a follower of mine has over 400 followers.
Dear Santa,
If I am a very good girl will you get me 1,000 Twitter followers?
Love the formerly naughty,
-Emily
So I thought my favorite show, Toddlers and Tiaras, was on tonight turns out it isn't on until tomorrow. Instead on the T n T channel there was a show called The World's Tallest Kids (or some such shit). At first I was super excited about this and watched the tall kids with amazement until I realized that the whole show was just tall kids. And somehow, just tall kids is super boring.
I am supposed to be at my going away party tonight. A party that wasn't planned at all until last night. And obviously no one even asked me about my new sleeping schedule. I told the organizer that instead of eating hotdogs and drinking wine I had to do laundry, write scholarship essays, and go to bed early. She texted me back that everyone was coming because they thought I would be there. When I got home I logged onto Facebook and found a string of responses stating that people were to show up and make merry these comments hardly mentioned me. As if writers wouldn't get together at the opportunity to eat wieners and drink cheap wine due to their loyalty to me.
Tip of the Day: Vacuuming bugs is fun.
-Canadian Castaway
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