Boring and Borderline Awful

Day 331

Once again last night I sort of copped out of a full description of the day’s events, but fuck it I am on vacation. Well, my Dad says that now that I am a budding Canadian I have to call it being on “Holiday.” Anyway, in the spirit of being on holiday and with the hype around Lindsay Lohan’s jail time I am writing this account of today and yesterday while watching Mean Girls. Let me just say right now that it is totally weird seeing Lindsay all fresh-faced and innocent looking without shitty chipped blue nail polish on.

Anyway, the account of today’s events is pretty lame, it was really one of those days when things are sort of boring and hugely awful. Last night I only slept about four hours. My friend and I shared her bed in an effort to be in the only air conditioned room in her apartment so, the night was spent pushing her off of me and having her tug the blanket. Anyway, I tried to ready myself for a day of visiting two of my friends who allegedly want to see me. One didn’t answer her phone and the other didn’t answer his phone and finally texted that he really had to finish something that sounded like a seating chart. So, I went home to hang with the only person who wanted to hang with me, my dad.

We decided on going to a store that is similar to Menards so that I could carry six 40 pound bags of water softener salt for him. Everything seemed wonderful and actually quite fun. My dad decided to try out air guitar and later laughed his ass off after he realized that he called me, “fricking stupid.” Then I made fun of his laugh and he laughed some more. We had lunch and it wasn’t terrible and then went on to the Menards-y where I found a pair of Levi’s and carried the salt bags. Basically, everything was going just fine…until we stopped at a McDonald’s.

My Dad uses a walker because he has MS. We pulled into the handicapped spot and on the lines next to the spot--the area usually used by handicapped people who are lucky enough to be able to go out use for their walkers and wheels chairs—had a motorcycle illegally parked in it. I made a comment about how rude it was that someone would park there. My dad told me to go on ahead into the McDonalds. When I entered some asshole hick guy approached me and asked if the guy with the walker outside was my dad and I told him he was and then he said, “He just bumped my bike.” Then I responded in the coldest , meanest voice I could muster, “He did not BUMP your bike.”

Then, after I got my father back in the car and the asshole pulled away, I thought of a million other things I should’ve said to the dickhead and started to get more and more pissed off. Then, I turned into a psycho bitch and apologized to my dad. “Dad, I am sorry I am being a bitch that guy just really pissed me off and I am hungover and tired and hot and I carried those bags around and I am just sorry, I know I am being a bitch.” His response, “Yes, you are being a bitch.” If that wasn’t bad enough when I later told my mother about the asshole incident she said, “If it were me I would’ve got my phone out in front of the guy and called the cops to report that he was illegally parked.” So, not only did I have to deal with the asshole guy, regretting that I didn’t do anything to the guy, and having my dad call me a bitch, I also had to deal with my mother coming up with a brilliant idea that was way more original than my ideas of what I should’ve done to the asshole.

So, other than that and a hamburger that was my day. Well, there was the interlude at the hamburger restaurant when my mother and I noted that this woman who came up to a friend's table kept talking on and on and the friend clearly wanted the bitch to leave so she could eat her tuna salad. But, the best part of the day was the nap I took. Although watching Mean Girls is coming in a very close second.

Okay, so yesterday I went to the candy store with a very large friend of mine. She then said something, quite loudly about how she is diabetic and buying candy. The man who was working (a friend of mine) and I burst out laughing. My fat friend then said, “What’s so funny? I am diabetic. That is not funny.” But, we kept laughing anyhow, turns out it was funny, quite funny.

After that I went to my friend’s house and guzzled chocolate martinis and held one of her bunnies and threw pizza crust into her yard. Then we pretty much just gossiped about how people who are a Taurus in the zodiac (not the car) are bitches and then went to bed. So really, my short blog entry from yesterday was short for a reason—nothing all that interesting happened, at least from how I remember it. Perhaps I should take some Ginkgo Biloba.

Tip of the Day: Don’t eat those chocolate-covered pretzels, they will leave stains that you will remember them by.

-Canadian Castaway