Day 329
Today was spent shopping and eating. That's really about all I do now. On the way to a store my mother and I had never been to before we decided to take back roads. We ended up in a town that consisted of a gas station and around 3 houses. We stopped at the gas station. There was a sign on the door that said something to the effect of, "Bring in two books to donate and you can get one of our books for $1." Apparently, donating comes with a price. My mother went to the bathroom while I scanned the top supermarket novels of ten years ago and bought an expired candy bar and then we left, bookless. And to make it even worse when I opened my expired Abba Zabba there was a piss-colored liquid on it.
We finally made it to the store, despite my poor navigation skills--we ended up in the back entrance of the store that said, "Not an Entrance." The store turned out to be a wonderland of fat lady clothes. While I scanned the racks and pulled items to try on a ratty-looking woman who looked like she should be parked on a stool at the American Legion in a drunken arm wrestling (pronounced, "wrastlin") match watched me. Turns out she was a store employee. She basically ignored me and my mother and opened the dressing room doors for other customers AND she showed huge interest in that customers leg cast. I had to crawl under the door of the room to get in to the room I had to have when another lady who coughed everywhere stole the room that I found unlocked. Meanwhile, the American Legion woman didn't seem to notice I had to crawl under a stall to get a new change room or that I had my room stolen. My Midwestern passive aggression made me leave every single item I tried on for her to put away and even left some underwear in there so she may think I tried them on too. Here are a few other things that occurred:
-I tried on leopard-print pants. Scary idea.
-I refused to sign up for a credit card even if I could save 30 percent on my highest priced item.
-I tried on a few bras and realized that bras aren't just to cover your tits, they are to make them rise up and become the perky teenage tits you've never had. I bought two look out world.
-I purposely went through the "Employees Only" door without permission to use the bathroom.
-I stared at a lady who was shopping and laughed at how grumpy she looked. Turns out she had a cast on her arm. At that point I thought I had better leave before I ended up in a cast, especially considering all of the clothes I left everywhere.
After that stop we had a late lunch and went to Trader Joes. This was my mother's first trip to Trader Joes as she lives far from the store. After awhile of shopping around we were paused by the cookie section when another woman hit my mother's cart with her own. I waited for my mother to erupt on the strange woman with a huge gunt (gut+cunt) but turns out she knew her. My mother had taken care of this woman's father many years ago in a city far, far away. The woman and my mother talked for awhile and I loaded up the cart with junk. Then my mother said something about being out to shop with her daughter and pointed at me. The lady said, "Oh you have a daughter? I didn't know you have a daughter." I went over and said hello and then the woman said, "I met you when you were just a baby." I smiled but what I should've said was, "Are you on one too many Percocets? You just said that you didn't know I exist and now you are pretending you do know."
After the Trader Joe's excursion and the mandatory purchasing of cheap wine and beer that you can make into your own personalized six-pack (best idea ever) my mother and I dropped by my former neighborhood coffeeshop. Upon entering we saw three freaky men, one woman who tells really long stories but is nice and the owner of the shop. I have known the owner quite well for quite awhile as I was a regular customer and once went with him to purchase plants for the patio. But, I didn't think we were the kind of friends that required ten long, flamboyant hugs when I arrived. Turns out though, getting excessive hugs when you arrive and a genuine, "I am so glad to see you" is an excellent greeting when you walk into a room. The only thing is that I read on some inspirational message somewhere that you must be the change you want to see in the world and I am not feeling all that lovey.
At supper this evening my mother and I were joined by my friend and her six year old. Here a few of my favorite things from my encounters with the six year old I call my niece:
-Every time she wanted to speak she says, "Can I ask you a question?" even when what she had to say is a command.
-If she noticed that I let her win at tic tac toe she didn't say so, she just took the glory.
-At one point she leaned in and whispered, "Can I tell you a secret?" and grabbed my hand. "Sometimes me and my mom hold hands and when we squeeze it means I love you." She squeezed, repeatedly.
-When her and I were in the bathroom we had this conversation:
Me: What is your favorite thing to eat?
Her: Mac and cheese.
Me: Does your mom ever make that for you?
Her: No!
Me: Yeah, she's kind of healthy, huh?
Her: You wanna know a secret?
Me: Yeah.
Her: I think healthy food is BORING!
I think I need a DNA test, is it possible to be someones biological mother without actually having them come out of you?
Tip of the Day: If you believe in something hard enough and long enough it could become your truth. This is why I never give up on the: one day Craig Ferguson will tell me I am sexy and I'll say, "Ditto" and then everything will fall magically together and he will be the best kisser in the world and we will all live happily ever after.
-Canadian Castaway
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