Day 304
This morning I woke up and went to work tweaking the contest submission I have been preparing for for three weeks. After a brief talk with my mother that involved me bitching about getting shit together for the contest she told me that I should just send it off today instead of on Monday like I had planned to do. So, I finished everything, re-read everything, and for the first time that I can remember I burned documents to a CD. I packed it all up by 1 pm and got on a bus. I wonder if my mother knows about the control she has over me.
I finally arrived at the nearest FedEx location only to find that the reviews online about poorly trained employees were indeed true. The first thing I noticed was a woman at the FedEx counter who was arguing with two store employees. The guy behind the counter running the show said, "I don't normally do FedEx, so..." "You are wearing the shirt," the woman retorted right before she said that she wanted a refund, 4 times.
By the time I got up to the counter I basically said to the guy, "I need you to guarantee that this will get to California by Tuesday, can you do that? I need you to tell me you can do that, without a doubt, and if you can't I can come back on Monday." He told me to come back in an hour when the guy who knows what is going on comes in. I never get so assertive with customer service employees it was very strange but at least the script I have worked so hard on might actually have a chance to get to its destination. Plus, it was one less bitchy woman customer that guy didn't have to deal with today.
I went to a cafe down the block to wait. When I got in there I discovered that I was treated like a loser. Yeah, you walk in by yourself and ask for a table for one and the waitresses act like you are a sad little leper. Across the restaurant from me sat another woman who was by herself and what's weird is that she did look at me like a sad little leper. I wondered if I looked like that but then I realized that my hair was slightly less frumpy and felt better. Hey, nobody said I wasn't vain.
Just before I made it back to FedEx and mailed off my script with the guy who allegedly knew how to send it off I was walking up the street and saw a funny and disturbing scene. I saw a pretty couple walking in a crosswalk. Some guy in the car stopped just before the sidewalk leaned out his car window and said, "Hey, if he doesn't love you, you let me know." This was quite funny but then he held something out of the car window (I am not sure what) and he said, "Come on honey, come and take it. Don't be afraid." I wonder how many times he's done that.
When I got home from the bar tonight I turned on the television to find a black and white movie. At first it seemed like any black and white movie with stilted dialogue and old timey music until I realized the entire cast of the movie, including an arena scene was acted by dogs that walk on their hind feet and wear hats. My immediate thought: I. WISH. I. WAS. HIGH. INSTEAD. OF. DRUNK. RIGHT. NOW. My second thought, holy shit, this is insane. I wonder if there are boards stuck in their backs and I wonder if they had peanut butter in their mouths and isn't that dog smoking a cigarette friggin awesome. I didn't make it through the film but I do wonder if at the end of it there was a disclaimer stating, "Animals were most definitely harmed during the making of this film."
After the dog show I found Lady Gaga on Larry King. Turns out that Larry King IS a horrible interviewer, it wasn't just me thinking it. He barks questions at the interviewees, laughs at things that aren't funny, and interrupts the interviewee during their answers to ask them irrelevant questions. No wonder Lady Gaga didn't make the trip to see him in person and got them to come to her. I bet he farts the whole time he does interviews anyway.
Tip of the Day: If the tap water tastes funny drink it, if it means that you aren't going to be hungover tomorrow.
-Canadian Castaway
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