Day 261
I am a thief. Yeah, I totally stole 3 stamps from work today. Usually this would make me feel like badass or I'd make some remark about being tough, but now I just feel naughty. Not naughty in the I am doing this because it's who I am and I have an edge kind of naughty, but naughty in the I am doing this and I feel like I am trying to reclaim my youth, but this is the most ridiculous way to go about it way. Guess, I'll be adding 3 stamps to my next bill. Damnit, why can't I be a badass anymore.
Reason #12 why I should not have children. Remember Hank, The African Violet I won playing drag queen bingo? Well, for the first 2 weeks of him and I occupying the same space (which by the way, he doesn't pay any rent for) I was all about the care of him, staying up late at night and fussing over leaves, and buying the expensive plant potion to make him wonderful, making sure that he had some light, but not too much, that he wasn't by the window at night for fear that he'd catch a chill. But now--now, I have nearly forgotten him entirely. I gave him old water and haven't bothered to sun him at all. But, like a puppy/good child he has stayed alive and grown new leaves. Wait a minute, I can totally handle parenthood, he hasn't died yet! Hoorah! Surely, the little idiot plant loves me if he's survived this long. Aww, maybe I'll go out and buy him a another giant birdhouse to stick in his pot.
Never play Balderdash with a bunch o nerds and linguists. Seriously, they actually play to win, not to come up with crazy definitions. If you are unfamiliar with Balderdash you are given a real word that no one (unless you are crazy smart, and if you are you wouldn't have time to play games) knows. Everyone makes up a definition and you vote on the correct one based on the made up definitions with the real definition also in the running. Usually when I play this game I play with nitwits who like to think they are clever. You can always tell which definition is the real one because it is the most boring, but you always vote for the most ridiculous one. But, when you play with nerds ALL of the definitions that are made up are quite boring. I realized this after the first round of definition reading. My made up definition was,
"A disease unicorns get when they eat grass that has been pissed on by reindeer which causes them to grow a second horn located on their necks."
The one that I managed to trick them with was when I wrote a definition for a word that went like this, "a buzzword coined at the Dungeons and Dragons world championship in 1987." That one got me a few votes. I was too chicken to admit that I have never actually played D and D. Seriously, if I had high school to do over again I would replace at least one of those nights were I got drunk with guzzling root beer and playing D and D.
I gathered yet another piece of evidence on my chase to find out what is so different about American and Canadian humor. Here is the conversation I had:
Me: "Why hasn't anyone in Canada seen any John Waters movies?"
Canadian: "What did he do?"
Me: "The original Hairspray, Pink Flamingos, A Dirty Shame, Cecil. B. Demented, Serial Mom--"
Canadian: What's Serial Mom about?"
Me: "It's about a mom who is a serial killer, it's hilarious!"
Canadian: "What's so funny about a mom who kills people? I think that's terrible. Killing people is a very serious..." (and that's when I zoned out)
Tonight I heard that one of the residents in my building got a new videogame system. I was immediately jealous. I asked what sort of games he had and acted like I knew what it was like to play videogames for like 11 hours a day. It wasn't until I got back to my room and really thought about it that I realized I am a liar. I am worse than an addicted gamer, I am a wannabe addicted gamer. Yeah, I remember I was watching my brother play Zelda all summer long when we were growing up and I wanted to be watching talk shows. But now, I have a perverse desire to be someone who is comfortable playing games all day long. I have even watched my brother play Call of Duty over Skype. I need some serious help, or skills.
I just spent 20 minutes watching a teenage girl in England give video tutorials on how to apply makeup. In one of the videos she goes through her daily foundation routine, in one she tells you that purple or brown lipstick is a terrible idea for the pale-skinned person, and in one she even puts on "Florescent Pink Lips" this process involves 4 different kinds of lip product, layered. At first I tried to make fun of this, how ridiculous is it that there is a person out there who spends all of her time putting on makeup and posting it on youtube. Then I thought, how ridiculous am I, posting everyday little snarky things on the internet. I watched another video and it turns out that the makeup girl is only 12. Then I felt a little more loser-ly, what was I doing at 12? Well, if I can't remember it must not have been as cool as making makeup tutorials.
Tip of the Day: When you chase a fly out your window and think, "This time I let you go alive!" you may be maniacal or getting your period, but it's hard to say which.
-Canadian Castaway
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