Day 268
Okay so it is nearly 2 am and I have been at a dinner party (drinkng party) since 7 pm. So let's make this quick so that I can go to sleep before I start feeling hungover. Here is what I remember of today:
I returned the movie Three O'Clock High to the movie store and promptly disagreed with the clerk about the merit of this film. I saw very little redeemable things. There were only two things I liked: the camera work and the fact that the two film geek characters wanted to make a documentary of the fight that the film was based around, they were way before their time. Anyway, the clerk guy is apparently basing his existence on this film. Shit, I bet I'll wind up marrying him and arguing this for the rest of our lives.
At the post office today there was a pigeon who had gotten into the building. I took this as the opportunity to abandon my co-worker and try to lure the bird into following me to the door. Apparently, the sound of my voice isn't very convincing, but two french fries ripped into tiny pieces got him the thirty feet to the door, through one set of doors and then another. I went back inside quite pleased with myself. I looked over at the study area nearby and a clutch of people were clapping for me. Who doesn't love being a hero?
A few weeks back I won a plant named Hank at Drag Queen Bingo, that night I also won a porno called, The Woodsmen. This porno was chosen due to it being Earth Day. After I won it I was swarmed by a gaggle of gay men who wanted to buy it from me. I didn't sell it to them and I never really knew why until tonight. So tonight, after a few drinks, a some people and myself made a trip to the TV room to see if Channel 39 still showed softcore porn on Fridays, as we had heard that they do from another resident at breakfast the other day. It turns out they don't and, this is when I brought out The Woodsmen.
The beginning held tons of cumshots that caused everyone, save the openly gay man and myself who just an hour earlier had me look at his arms to tell which hand he used to masturbate with stayed. About the masturbation arm I said, "Left." His response, "Yes, but I am right-handed--gotta leave one hand free to run the mouse." Anyway, only one person maybe walked by when we watched the porno. Turns out if we want to shock people we need to watch our circle jerk porn right after breakfast.
A Few Observations (translation: I am an outta touch old person):
I really don't understand commercials that are made to look cheap. Fucking Chiquita. But I must say, I still want to eat them, further proof that if you put something on TV I will want it. i am going to blame this characteristic on growing up in America and genetics.
If a guys arm is covered in tatttoos what is he doing singing emo? Seriously, what happened to being a bad ass if you look like a bad ass. Maybe I am just being old-fashioned, maybe bad asses will start wearing polo shirts and khaki chinos.
I hate to admit this, but someone talking about how scared they were on a Disney World ride when they were in fourth grade to someone who is about to go to Disney World for the first time as a sincere warning not to go on that ride is hilarious. I wonder if I was supposed to empathize with her plight?
Has Justin Bieber had a first love? Seriously? Pretty soon we'll get 5 year olds singing songs about how their boyfriends/girlfriends are sleeping around. Shit, is not understanding popular culture the first sign of getting old.
And seriously is "He love the way I ride it" a good lyric?
I can't believe there is a show where Tori Spelling puts a bottle of wine in her cleavage. But, I can't stop thinking about how she looks like Miss Piggy.
Yeah, this is the shit I think about. Yikes.
Tip of the Day: Got to bed otherwise you are subject to a marathon of Tori and Dean Inn Love, or is this a nightmare?
-Canadian Castaway
No comments:
Post a Comment