Day 263
I am so glad that I am finally coherent enough to write this blog. It's been a couple of drunken and otherwise debauchery-filled evenings. But, it is time to get serious once again (yeah, right). There are so many things I've learned today. It's been a big day.
I learned that any morning you wake up smelling like a bonfire and your bed is full of sand is not a good way to begin your day. And waiting around for your friend to call you for lunch is not a good way to go about things either. Turns out going to the French cafe is also not a good choice. Everything there looks so effing delicious but tastes bland. The only cure for this type of morning is shopping at the dollarstore.
I went in the dollarstore to pick up some coaxial cables to plug in the TV that my friend stole for me last night. Turns out there are TVs lying around for the taking in this country just not nearly so many as in the U.S. and when you take them here you feel guilty about doing it. Solution: Make your friend do it and have a bad enough conscience to get over it right away and realize that you just saved alike 200bucks, who cares if you don't have a remote.
Anyway, I thought I was pretty fresh considering that I even knew the name of the cable used to hook up a television set, though I am pretty sure I have never done it before. When I got into the store I marched right to the section of cords and looked around like I knew what I was doing for exactly 5 minutes, and then an English man came nearby and said, "Lots of cables here, huh?" And that was when I dropped the act. "Yep. Can you help me? What do you know about hooking up TVs?"
On the way home I was staring at the coil of cable I purchased as per the stranger customer's suggestion. Seriously, have the right pitch of British accent and I will do anything you say. Turns out the cable doesn't just read, "Coaxial Cable" on the label it says things like, "Gold Plated" and "F Connector." I called up my dad and asked if I had purchased the right cable, he said that I did. Then he asked, "How long is it?" "15 feet," I said, reading off the label. "Why the hell'd you get it so long? Didn't you look around for a shorter one? Fifteen feet, that's ridiculous." "It's all they had, Dad," I said, knowing that I had just taken what the British man handed me.
When I got home I plugged in my 15 foot cable which is now all over my floor like an anorexic snake. And for the first time in years I have my own television that is hooked up to actual TV (not just for DVD playing). I have more than five channels! I may not have a remote, but damn I feel fancy. I started flipping through all of my channels and watching. Here are a few things that I watched so far:
Ihe end of The Princess Bride. Just the other day I was telling people that I will never believe in love again, unless I watch The Princess Bride. Did I mention I just turned on the TV and it's on again? Damnit, true love still exists.
An infomerical for Marie Osmond creepy porcelain dolls. The best part is when they lift up her dress and rub her cloth belly saying that it's a great place to do some journaling.
Cartoons got creepier. Yeah, I think computer animation is supposed to make them look more realistic, but really it makes the little animal-type creatures look nearly as creepy as claymation characters.
Then there was the Good Farma dude. I have no idea what that means but apparently in life you get harvests that you are not aware of, so I don't really know a. if they even exist or b. why they matter. But, I do know that the name Good Farma is almost as hilarious as the guy preaching it having to look at the teleprompter every two seconds.
America's Funniest Home Videos. This show has always sucked. But, it sucked a lot less when Bob Saget was hosting.
My new favorite infomerical. I am currently watching this one. They are selling some sort of blender/food processor. The best part of this one is that there is an entire family cast to play along like they just showed up for a dinner party. The grandma takes one look at the hosts and says, "I bet they just woke up!" I love how they are cooking dinner together like it's some kind of circus, occasionally panning to the "family member" audience who is making tons of expressed faces and nods. Then one of them says something like, "All the items of are the same thickness, so they cook the same." This seems wrong. Everything they make they announce how many seconds it takes to prepare it. "An entire plate of nachos in 15 seconds!" Everything only takes between 4 and 30 seconds. But, my favorite is the Great Aunt Cat Lady of the fake family who looks like she is quite unimpressed. I can't wait to see how this ends. Holy shit, he just "crimped the pie with granny's teeth!!!!!"
I have really been missing out. And here I'd thought that all infomercials had pretty much stayed the same throughout time. I have some serious catching up to do. Good thing there is a little Princess Bride to take breaks with. All I need now is to find a true love that also lives and dies by infomericals. Oh and I should probably start watching the type of TV I am going to be writing. Maybe my calling is infomercials. I wonder if I could hack it.
After I finally pulled myself away from the parade of infomericals (that I am currently continuing) I went to my friend's goodbye party. I was pretty bummed out to go to her goodbye party as she is the only person around here that takes my nastiness as fun not offensive. But when she texted me about Monster Balls my sadness turned to perverse glee. A couple of weeks ago I went to a Lady Gaga impersonator contest. Basically, it was a bunch of drag queens. One of them had a guy on stage that she dripped wine all over. He looked like a hugely muscled Spanish soap opera star. He wore a tight white t-shirt that read, "MONSTER BALLS."
Turns out the bar that we were at had him waiting on everyone. We kept it a secret until one of my friends had his fifth beer and said, "You are the Monster Balls!" He admitted to having participated in the Lady Gaga impersonation contest. Then he went on to say that he normally doesn't go to gay bars and that he was drunk and just helping out a friend and his ex-girlfriend was there. He went on and on and all I could think was, "Gee, Monster Balls was much more fun when he was gay and not talking to me. But damn, I do get a little jolly out of him touching my arm."
More coherent blogging tomorrow. Preview: I have a job interview that I may be late for due to my current job. I may tackle buying a remote and attempting to program it sans British man.
Tip of the Day: British men know their TV equipment, use them.
-Canadian Castaway
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