It's 4 am, again, again.

Day 247

So, as you can see from the title and that means two things: 1. I am not sober, at all, really. and 2. This will be brief.

All of today comes back to me in flashes right now. I said goodbye to my adopt-a-brother today when he dropped off a giant airbed for me to watch for him until fall. He said that he was glad that we hung out all year, I think that means that he thinks I am alright. I met his father, who looked like a giant mouse and expressed a huge love for Garrison Keillor which he told me about in the 2 minutes that we talked.

The middle of my day was spent at the Post Office. Something clicked today--okay, so I really just stopped caring if I was doing my job correctly--and things were much better. I found myself taking letters and packages and saying, "I'll make sure it gets there for you" and knowing that it was a lie. I have no idea if any of these items will "get there" what do they think I am a psychic?

Most of my day was spent at a gay club watching a Lady Gaga impersonator contest. Here are a few things I remember from the evening:

-The impersonator with the lace face had a sexy man dancing with her that looked like a token Spanish soap star, but even beefier. His shirt read, "Monster Balls."

-When an older queen took the stage a very drunk gay man started screaming, "Get off the stage Mom!"

-A member of my department showed up wearing something strappy and black, that could only be purchased in some sort of stripper/bondage gear store, coupled with a blonde wig. She told me not to tell my friends who didn't know her that she was involved with my department. I chose not to tell her that I already told them.

-My friend took lewd pics with a banana.

-The bathrooms are co-ed and when I looked under the stalls I saw two feet pointing the other way.

-The bartender told me that he loved my shirt. I just so happened to be wearing a shirt for a bath haus-type sex club for men that says, "Where the bears are." He told me I did an awesome job of cutting it up. I didn't tell him that I watched 30 minutes of youtube vids on how to cut up shirts.

-The host of the event was the bingo caller from Drag Queen Bingo Night, a nearly 7 foot tall fat, queen with huge hair and tons of makeup who guzzles jack and diets. Someone came too close to her and she said, "Look at me, you don't want to mess with somebody this large."

-I nearly got into a fight with some girl who insisted on sitting in the chair directly behind me and having her purse push me into the rail. Instead, I shoved back her purse with my ass, gave her dirty looks and said, "Cunt" and "bitch" often and loudly. She left.

-One Gaga impersonator was so good/lifelike (or I had so much vodka) that I truly believed that she was Gaga. My friends told me otherwise, but it's like Santa, it doesn't hurt to believe.

-We took a friend of ours who hadn't even really heard of what a drag queen was until like last week. Turns out, everyone, even sheltered, sweet souls love drag queens.

-After the club we went out and ate breakfast food. When I was telling our waiter that I wanted my eggs scrambled he said that they didn't really let you specify. I told him, "If my eggs are runny, I'll barf!" "So, you like 'em hard?" Emphasis on "hard." I swear he winked at me. On the way out of the restaurant, I looked back to see the cook staring me down, and I began to wonder what I had eaten.

Tip of the Day: If your computer screen is so dirty that when you are watching a Lady Gaga video you wonder why she gave herself thigh freckles only to realize that it is really just dirt and not a fashion statement, it may be time to clean your screen.

-Canadian Castaway