Things That I Learned

Day 187

Today was not only tater tot and taco day it was the first day back to school. So, I learned many things today. Like:

-I learned at the breakfast table that Fred Willard had a joke that goes like this, "You know what they say about blind prostitutes? You really have to hand it to them."

-I learned that my mother loves when I text her secondhand dirty jokes.

-I also learned that when you tell the socially awkward guy at the breakfast table that you love Fred Willard he will post 3 Fred Willard videos on your facebook wall.

-Then I learned that I am an fool to think that he would've only posted one Fred Willard video.

-I learned that when you go to a class where your instructor has been mysteriously missing and she gives the explanation that she had a family problem and, "all you have to know is that it was gross," you will spend most of that class period thinking of gross things like potato peelers stuck in eyeballs or a freak earthworm infestations.

-I learned that I am an idiot. But, before I learned that, I learned that people who love magical realism and allegedly understand magical realism are pretentious and idiots because those stories never really make any sort of sense. I'd rather just be a regular idiot.

-I learned that one of my neighbors comes out of his bathroom from the shower totally naked when his blinds are open. I have yet to learn whether or not it would be considered creepy to stand out his window with a camera.

-I learned from reading personal essays that moths burn when they fly into lit flames and that humans are part of the Animal Kingdom. Okay, I didn't really learn those things because I already knew them. I also already knew that personal essays are boring, so I didn't learn anything from reading personal essays.

-I learned that when you volunteer to turn in your assignment early to help out the class it first makes you feel like a hero, but later, when you see that your homework is due quite soon, you feel like a sucker.

-I learned that when you trick a friend into doing video chat even though he doesn't want to, he'll do it, but lord it over your head for all eternity. Like, drinking wine together in two different countries was some sort of horrible thing.

-I learned that when my friend masturbates to porn he pretends like he ejaculates all over the woman on the screens tits. I also learned that he announced that at the deli counter during lunch.

-I learned that if I want to be a TV writer in America I will have to get a fellowship. I also learned that I will never hear the word "fellowship" without thinking of hobbits and laughing uncontrollably. I wonder if that will hinder my chances at getting a fellowship.

-I learned that when people are talking in the hallway outside your door, and you are trying to read personal essays that you think suck, it is super hard to concentrate. I also learned that when you open the door to yell at these loud talkers you realize that they are nice people so you'll just say hi and close your door wishing you had said something and hoping that the mother effing giant photo album they are flipping through will be flipped through faster.

-I learned was that when you lie to your friends and say you have gossip to tell them but they aren't online, they will not appreciate the fact that they frantically tried to get ahold of you and when they finally did find you two hours later they will not think it's funny that you were just lying about having gossip.

-The most important thing I learned today is that I cannot invent pineapple-flavored cough drops because my friend thought them up first.

Tip of the Day: When your horoscope says, "Go for it!" and doesn't define "it" go for everything.

-Canadian Castaway