Day 131
Today marked the return of the reason I am fat: tater tot Monday. Every Monday the dining hall serves scrambled eggs and tater tots, toss in a buttery English muffin and you've got a perfect breakfast. But today I realized something. If I could only invent The Tot Diet. I could lose weight and help others. Plus, I could secure a book deal and go on Oprah.
I showed up to my department a half an hour early today for the first day back in classes. After I caught my breath from hiking four flights of stairs I limped to the coffee machine. This isn't one of your 12 dollar Canadian Superstore models (like I own). This unit (hehe) cost at least 1200 bucks and has an LED display that shines red commands at you. I went up to our fancy pants machinery today and noticed a blue post-it note stuck to the top saying, "This machine needs to be emptied before we go on break as it will grow mould." Note the Canadian spelling. How annoying, what is that u for anyhow? This note was signed by the secretary of the program. I looked down and noticed the exact same note but typewritten and printed out.
I popped open the tray on a feeling despite my belief that she had been the one to clean out the machine. Apparently, she was too busy hand-writing and typing notes to clean it. My friend looked up from his computer, "It's moldy, isn't it?" Note, the American spelling. I showed it to him and started to whine, "I don't want to do it." He said without looking up, "Just put it back I won't tell anybody." I put it back. It's nice to have friends to support you in your times of need. But that didn't get any coffee in my belly, a true friend would've done cleaned it for me. If I sent out Christmas cards I'd cross him off my list. He's lucky I am cheap and have better things to do with my time.
I lay on the couch in a caffeine-free stupor thinking about tots and coffee when a friend walked into the lounge and headed for the machine. "It's moldy," I whined. She looked inside and said, "Oh you babies, clean it out." I let her insult me as she started cleaning out the machine and five minutes later she declared it ready. The LED disagreed with her. Its red-letter commands fulfilled in turn until it said, "Run tap." My friend tried and tried to find a tap to run and pushed many buttons but still it read, "Run tap." If only we had Fonzi's cell number or a 12 dollar coffeemaker from the Canadian Superstore or a superhero or a genie or an Inspector Gadget on call or a repairman in cutoff shorts would have done the job. Sometimes things just suck.
After a pastrami sandwich (comes in second to salami) I found out about a writing for television course being offered this semester that was about to meet for the first time in 10 minutes. I ambled over to the classroom and saw a woman sitting towards the front. I went up to this woman and said, "Are you the instructor of this course?" She said, "Yes." I said, "I want to be in it." She lead me to the secretary and two minutes later I was enrolled. Four minutes later class began. Five minutes later I realized that this was an undergrad class. And finally, six minutes later I realized that the undergrads were freaky looking.
I don't mean run of the mill freaks, one of them was wearing Halloween tights, another was wearing a zip up dress that looked like cheap bondage night attire and another looked like every single not-so-good looking dude in a band during the early 90s. It's hard enough to pay attention when there is the one girl in class wearing a neon yellow headband coupled with a pukka shell necklace. I would drop the course but I find myself oddly fascinated especially with trying to figure out if I'd sleep with the 90s guy or not.
The rest of my evening was sorta run of the mill. Here are the highlights:
Salmon night. And to think there was tater tots today as well.
Trying to decipher whether or not the chico I pissed off the other day is joking with me when he says that he is offended by me and I make him nervous.
Trying on everything I own and sticking out my stomach like I was pregnant.
Going to the bar to realize that there is no room for me and my stomach-fat baby at the table. The two of us squeezing into a tiny space on the route to the bathroom was not very enjoyable, despite the beer.
Making it home early to write this friggin blog only to realize that not much happened today and remembering that I no longer have The Girls of Hedsor Hall to watch. I guess I could watch re-runs but who wants to go through that bitch Kimberly stealing the title from Brianna again?
-Canadian Castaway
No comments:
Post a Comment