Day 158
This morning I walked 1.5 miles (each way) to get salami and a candle that smells like clean laundry. Okay, so there were a few other things. Plus, I realized that I am now getting old. I have gone past the phase of being in high school and having friends working at the grocery store so we'd go there to hang out straight into the this is a meat market perspective. Sure, the bread man who wants to show me how to use the slicer I am in love with you. Yes, I will move checkout lines despite me being next to go to the line with the sandy-haired Vinnie working it. Something about how his uniform hugs his slightly pudgy body and the vertical stripes bend in his middle and--fuck, I am a supermarket scavenger. I am not even gonna deny it as soon as I sign off here I will be checking the craigslist missed connections for the slicer man even though he has a creepy nose scab and the most horrendous punctuation mark (!) tattooed on his arm.
Occasionally when I open up I-tunes I notice that one or more of my neighbor's I-tunes libraries are visible. Today I clicked open the one belonging to the big gay Hawaiian man. So, the entire day I could've been listening to the Rent soundtrack or Chris Brown or Janet Jackson or Jason Mraz or TLC or Justin Timberlake or Lauryn Hill. He also has a few more feminine singer songwriters like Alanis Morrisette, Jewel, and surprisingly, Lisa Loeb. If I were to make a sweeping sexist revelation (Canadian's prickle at these assumptions) if being a gay man means listening to Lady Gaga then so be it: I am a gay man. I could do without the Timberlake though, but he does have nice abs.
Derby Training Day (we'll call it) #10:
So, I got told by neighbor above me today that if she saw me skating in the street she would laugh her ass off at me. I think I got her back by singing loudly in my room, well, judging from the stomping overhead she was annoyed. Anyway, after my 3 mile trek to and fro from the grocer I had to get to work on my homework which meant watching one episode only of Taking the Stage and doing a load of laundry and then reading two stories. Later, I watched Whip It again for inspiration and am currently wearing my skates, leggings and a skirt thinking I am pretty hot and hoping someone would stop by and see my ensemble, preferably someone gorgeous. So, I think I am making progress.
At supper not only did my neighbor threaten that she would laugh at me on skates she also told me that today she took a firearms certification course and got 100%. The people at our table were mortified by this news and I was excited. I told her when she was certified we can each get a rifle, go up on the roof, and have a contest of who can pluck off the most squirrels. She said she liked squirrels. Another person pointed out, "You don't have a permit to shoot squirrels." To which I replied, "Or, we could just pluck off Canadians." The Canadian at the table cringed and somehow the subject got changed to tasers I proposed that we play taser tag in the courtyard to which the Canadian at the table said, "I think I better get out of here because this conversation is getting way to violent." Ten points for knocking off that pussy Canadian.
What we should be worried about is the raccoon population, it's been over a month now since I'd seen those little monsters, until tonight. Tonight I casually walked out of a building just once letting my raccoon guard down, and I saw six of those fat little monsters climbing the trellis over the walkway. I immediately went back inside, my heart racing. If I had a gun I would shoot the little bastards but I would lie awake in a cold sweat every night thinking about the day when the survivors would band together and come after me, clawing out my eyes with their creepy little hands.
I am in love. Okay, so he may be 18 and on an MTV show but it could work out, right? Am I a sad case if when Aaron sings to Mia on Taking the Stage I pretend he's singing to me or am I just a romantic? Don't answer that and I will pretend like I wasn't the girl who watched that scene four times in a row.
Dear Bread Boy with the Weird Nose Scab,
Write me a song.
Love, Emily.
Tip of the Day: Don't buy six dollars worth of dried cranberries out of the bulk bins if you don't even like dried cranberries you'll just feel stupid and have to choke them down while thinking about how you could've bought maple leaf cookies.
-Canadian Castaway
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