Day 110
Yesterday I didn't update this damn thing. The friend I stayed with has an internet connection at her new place but doesn't know the password. So, I spent most of the night after she went to bed reading. I learned something: I read SLOW. Not slow like I am analyzing the book for structure and such but slow like I could be beaten in a reading race by the drooling kid who sleeps and pees his pants in the back of the third grade classroom slow (this kid can't even spell his own name). Seriously, I read at a rate of only 22 pages per hour and it's not like I was reading in Spanish or something or like I was reading Chaucer. Thank God I dropped out of Literature when I did. Can you imagine how long it would take someone like me to read that shit? How did I do so well at Book It? Well, pizza is an excellent motivator and I think there were less words per page back then, right? Geez, and to think the book I am reading right now is over 500 pages. I better cancel next semester right now.
I am still shoveling snow. Today I dug the dog a new tunnel into the backyard. She is too small to venture out there where the snow is nearly a foot deep. I worked real hard on it and got barked at by the neighbor dogs and gawked at by my parents' neighbors. Finally, I set the dog outside and she, from what I could tell, looked excited to go out. She didn't even notice my new tunnel before she turned back to the step and pawed at the door. It was then I realized that she doesn't care about my tunnels all she cares about is the treat she receives for having gone outside. But, the odd thing is that I think I will continue the tunneling.
Tonight my parents and I were talking. I told them about a friend of mine who is taking care of an autistic boy. My father looked at my mother and said, "Autistic, aren't those Anderson kids autistic they're pretty screwy." My mother said, "I think so." My father said, "Yep, I bet that's what they are," and then he turned to me and said, "They are worse than regular old twits." I looked at my mother to confirm how unbelievably rude my dad was and she nodded. "He's right they sure are screwy." Did I mention my mother is a nurse? God, I turned out well considering...okay, I did laugh just a little at all of this.
One can always tell when I am having my period (yes, I am going there). The way you can tell well, other than the fact that I can't simply talk to anyone without threatening them and that I am constantly inhaling alternately chips and chocolate, is on facebook. No, it's not like I write, "I have my period! Die you motherfuckers!" But, I take it upon myself to put up sappy status updates. Today's update had to do with me romanticizing about being in the same coffeeshop I used to go to and write while I was a teenager. It's kinda goofy that I make all these threats and say nasty things to people, but pop up facebook and I will shit flowery phrases until it's time to go scavenge for more Dove bars.
While I was at my favorite old coffeeshop today I realized two things: 1. The barista that I have had a crush on since I was 16 is still there and I still have a crush on him. And, 2. Nearly the whole place is filled with old creeper men. The kind of old men that stare at you with beady eyes looking through their long, white bushy eyebrows and could easily serve jail time for the stuff they have taking up their hard drives on their stained computers. Or am I just imaging this stuff? Is it the seething period hatred, the caffeine? Who cares, it's not like I can stop going there well, at least I can't until my barista man either quits or becomes one of these creepy codgers.
I am forever mocking how my father hacks up phlegm. It is a universal joke in our family. My father, being as he smokes 2+ packs a day, coughs up phlegm quite often and one day I mocked his very distinctive way of doing so. I haven't thought much of it until today when my mother started coughing and my dad, at the same time, started coughing immediately I took this as him mocking my mother so I started to mock his mocking my mother and we were all coughing. Turns out he was really coughing at the same time as her with no intention of making fun of her. I felt a little silly and laughed. I told him that I thought he was mocking her cough so I was mocking him and then I realized that this was pretty demented. If I were a morally upstanding citizen I would feel terrible I thought for making fun of someones physical ailment and then I grinned, I am not a morally upstanding person hell, I couldn't even pull off being one on Halloween.
Conversation between my parents after seeing George Clooney in a movie preview on television:
"So mother you hot for George Clooney?"
"Yep, but he's got nothing on Sean Connery."
"Oh, he's just an old craphead."
"But, have you seen his ass?"
That says it all, goodnight.
-Canadian (U.S.) Castaway
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