Day 96
The day started with tater tots and me harassing people in front of the new visiting scholar. Apparently, this old guy with nasty eyebrows is an Engineering genius. He told me that his students think he is incredibly intelligent. Which sounds incredibly arrogant but, the way he said it made him sound in wonder of it. He asked what I study and I told him Creative Writing and he said, "So, you want to be a journalist." "No, I want to write novels and screenplays." He said, "Not everyone can do that." I think me and old bushy face will become the best of pals. Plus, there were patty-style hashbrowns this morning how could I not be in a good enough mood to make a new friend.
I got to school feeling bloated (after the Monday tot-athon I usually feel like puking, but it's worth it). The topic of conversation ranged from women who are plates (Japanese high end sushi laid out on their bodies) and merkins. We had a wide-ranging discussion on merkins (pubic hair wigs). One person suggested that they came into existence to cover up the scabies of strippers. The best part of the discussion was when a classmate walked in and said, "Oh my god, you guys are talking about merkins. Isn't it a little early in the day for that?" Laptops were whipped out and searched for merkin photos and merkin dealers. The instructor walked in and told us (quite embarrassed) that she had heard the word merkin on an episode of The Sopranos. She said that she didn't know the word and had looked it up online. Finally, class had to begin but not before a friend of mine and I decided to compose stories over Christmas break whose main character had to be a merkin dealer.
The next class of the day was less exciting. In fact the only thing exciting about it was that I did not throw up when I tasted a tiny piece of dark chocolate. As a "treat" the instructor brought in a few snacks that she had thought were a special thing. The snacks were, hummus, rice cakes, healthy (dark) chocolate and digestive cookies. Gee, thanks I know I always go for health foods when I celebrate. I will never understand dark chocolate, though. Chocolate is supposed to be bad for you AND it's supposed to be delicious. If you are going to be a health freak don't try and take over candy by molesting the sugar out of it and trying to trick yourselves into thinking it's delicious. I don't go around taking the posturing out of your yoga and pretend to enjoy it. I would never even consider what a sun salute is.
This evening at supper a German friend sat down next to me. He is always in good spirits and usually it is fun to be near him. But, not tonight. Tonight I was telling him that he should be in a musical because he has a beautiful singing voice, which I have heard at the talent show and on the tape deck of his sedan. He sang popular songs in German with different lyrics like YMCA which had German words and was about a canal or some such thing and the chorus sounded like he was singing, "Gaaaaay Eskimo." This was all wonderful until tonight when he decided to show me a 19 minute video with German titles on his Ipod touch of him singing the same fucking songs in a poor quality video. Not only was the video quality poor, I couldn't understand what they were saying/singing AND, he sang with absolutely no flair at all. Luckily, I had to work tonight so I could excuse myself without stabbing a fork into his Ipod.
Work tonight was pretty good. The New Zealand security guard was working with the huge arms and crappy tattoos and constant smiles. He even threw out a guy tonight using only one hand, just for me. I thought it would make him look even tougher and thus even hotter (it did). Every Monday evening at the pub I work at there is an undergrad open mic night. There was the guy who sang the song, "Kiss Me" and played along with his ukulele. The twin boys who sang Tom Petty songs. I called them a "delicious combo pack." And, the tiny little white guy who thinks he is gangsta rapping along with a a guitar and a bongo player.
I was working floor duty so that meant that I got to catch a guy just before he peed outside and say, "Don't even think about it. We've kicked people out tonight for a lot less." And, if that wasn't enough, I swooped by a table of guys trying to hide a joint. I glared at them and uttered, "I am watching you."
Later on when the fucking DJ didn't stop his music I marched up to him and said, "If you don't stop that music right now I will strangle you TO DEATH with my bare hands, you understand?" He looked at me drunk-eyed. There were girls all around him purring for him to keep playing music and he said, "What am I gonna do?" I said, "You are going to stop this music right now or I will kill you. Got it? You are done." He stopped the music and the hundred or so people in the bar whined. I yelled, "Go home!" I actually sprayed a customer with cleanser and shoved another one (I started to apologize and realized that I was the opposite of sorry). Then I started to take half full beers away as soon as they were set down. At those moments I longed for sitting through a 19 minute German boring singer video, at least that didn't make me homicidal, just annoyed. I asked the New Zealand bodyguard whether or not I could hit people. I hope this made me seem hotter to him but, I am guessing it didn't. Damnit.
Anyway, I am once again seeing 3 am so, goodnight. I am off to dream about killing undergrads and DJs and being held by giant arms with ugly tattoos.
-Canadian Castaway
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