Day 71
So, after an entire 8 plus hours of sitting in my room reading in low light (the bastard ass lawn guys were blowing leaves outside my window) I headed out of my room with a friend for dinner. I whined the whole way, "Can't I just stay in my room with my books and you just bring me a tray?" Maybe I would like prison. Anyway, she made me go in and interact with people translation: making other people bring me glasses of milk. Halfway through dinner the guy with the slicked back hair who is a kinda hot in a vampire way asked me if I would be a guest judge for his sexiest voice of the residence hall competition. I agreed. Turns out he meant in like ten minutes.
So, there I was seated in front of the entire residence, including the president who hates me for thinking that going to a movie is more important than sitting through some boring lecture on like spider silk or some such boring bullshit. Funny, I can remember the title of the movie but not the name of the lecture, what does that tell you el presidente? The panel of judges included the big fat gay Hawaiian I love (and hate for being more obnoxious than me), a snippy South African who I love (but, am jealous of his snippiness), and a guy from Pennsylvania who studies languages (who I am want to be, except he has a super quiet, super boring girlfriend). All was fine until the "visiting fellow" (translation: old somehow prestigious Chinese guy) sat next to me.
The competition began.
Each of the six contestants read in turn from a Roald Dahl story. After each read the microphone was turned over to the judges for comments on the contestants sexy sound. Being just out of my reading coma shit and having drank way too much milk shit flew out of my mouth that I never thought I'd say. My favorites being,
"You know I would say that was good but, I kinda liked you better with a beard."
"I really like your teeth."
"Will you marry me?"
Luckily, the Hawaiian guy made up for my diva-yness with triple the dosage of mine. He commented on fashion and made speeches about how horrible accents were and demanded that someone bring him a tray of food. People laughed, not because they wanted to. After an applause contest we narrowed it down to two finalists. (sadly, not the Indian guy with the hilarious accent that we Americans are so fond of, but he did say he would marry me) The two were a South African guy and a girl from Texas whose tiny, breathy voice cracked and could barely be heard.
There was brief intermission where the ancient Chinese man actually went and got me another coffee. Then another read through and applause contest was had. The girl clearly and inexplicably winning. The judges met again and we demanded that they be co-champions so the two finalists tied. So, did nobody win or did two people win? Hmm....
At dinner time I popped out to use one of the semi-public bathrooms at the college. Don't worry I am not going to go into any embarrassing detail here but, I did realize a huge hypocrisy going on in there. So, every other day a resident or committee or the goddamn president sends out an email to the listserve about being environmentally friendly. Officious little tips that have included everything from put water bottles in your toilet tank to put on a sweater if you are cold because we wouldn't want you to turn up your heat. It was all starting to annoy me until I went to the pisser. So, inside not only was there like waaaaay to many toilets containing precious water, the lights were on, the sink was leaking a steady stream and paper towels were the only means of drying your hands. Perhaps it's time I send out an eco-friendly, preach-athon email.
So tonight and every night this week I will be working at the bar. This is fine by me (despite my constant whining about it) except for the customers. First there was an old creeper dude, you know, the kind that comes in alone and never takes off the headphones on his ears. Anyway, he comes up to the bar and asks why we aren't playing Beatles music. We didn't really answer and then he said, "Well, I only came in here because I heard that you were playing Beatles music tonight." There was a pause and then he started laughing in deep, annoying chuckles and then he had the audacity to say, "You guys need to get a sense of humor," and then commanded us to laugh like we were puppets.
Another guy read a stupid sign that had been put up that said, "Will dance for tips" and demanded that we dance or we won't get a tip. I thought about making my middle finger dance in front of his eye before it clenched into a fist and knocked the cutesy right out of his face. Maybe the secret to happiness isn't getting laid and having a glamorous existence, it could be that it is simply to act on these impulses.
After a spat with the head bartender and meaningless apologies I left work to find that my bodyguard was going to walk me home. I was overjoyed, I told the night sky that I loved my bodyguard. When I saw him loping up I almost wept. (Gushy, huh? maybe I am bi-polar) We started the walk home and I asked him about his night out with our friends and he told me that he had a lovely time and that everyone was there and yada, yada, yada, you should've come, yada. And instead of being all, "Sounds like you had fun, that's fantastic! And, thanks for coming to get me and I love you." I was all, "I had to work, I hate working, I am a servant girl. This sucks. I didn't even make enough to pay for my party favors from my birthday." No matter how hard I try I still come off as a selfish old skag. Would it be odd if I duct-taped my own mouth shut from time to time? It may be the only way to keep people around me to bring me milk and walk me around.
-Canadian Castaway
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