Day 72
Today I did something reprehensible, something so nasty that I have written nasty diatribes against other people who have done this horrific deed, something so terrible that I almost don't know who I am anymore. Here it is: I shared earbud headphones! I know I hate myself there is no excuse. But, I have learned something about sharing earbud headphones, if you do it with an innocent hottie it can be almost as good as a nice kiss. Not a hot kiss, or a sexy kiss, but a kiss that makes you smile. Yes dear reader, I have had a kiss like that, well, I think I have one time awhile ago with someone. It doesn't matter. The point is that it is super fun to nod your head to the same beats and lean in close and meet eyes it's almost addicting. I wonder if one can be considered a whore for sharing earbuds with many different people. I feel dirty just thinking about it.
Tonight I was sitting next to a waif-y friend of mine who was full of booze and pizza (seven giant pie slices). He asked me what my horniest thought was. I didn't know what to say. So, I asked him what his horniest thought was and he described in detail how he'd like to fuck someone upstairs in the private bar on the cooler from behind and said, "You know, it could work if you are big enough." I said, "What do you mean 'big enough'?" He started to make a few finger measurements in the air and I felt like a moron. You know you haven't had sex in a LONG time when you don't get a technical reference, or was it the beer (shit, but I only had one beer)?
Anyway, I told him that my horny thought would be to have sex in the library to which he responded, "Everyone has sex in the library." He then told me that there is always men on Craigslist offering blowjobs in the library. This is just great. Now, I have to spend all of tomorrow making a list of other places I could have horny thoughts about to sufficiently answer that question without feeling totally unoriginal.
I am addicted to yahoo.ca news. As much as I make fun of it I love it. I couldn't live without reading the latest about Michelle Obama's clothing tips, the worst NHL uniforms, miracle babies, Koran babies, and Rihanna. But, my most favorite are the tips on how to keep your man, which I read with all sincerity as though my boyfriend wasn't just imaginary. Yesterday I read all about how to keep your man around and peak his interest in you. I marveled at the pseudo-scientific research that backed up the, "Re-invent yourself" "Give him a job to do" bullshit. I even re-read some of it. Today's sermon on pleasing your man was all called, "Dating Tips: 6 Phrases Men Love to Hear." The list included, "That woman just checked you out." and "You're right." I am thinking about printing out these articles and making a book that way when they change the newsfeed I will always have a copy for reference. You never know when you are gonna need the tip to ask your (imaginary) boyfriend, "Will You Unscrew This?"
You know you're old when 23 year olds make you want to rip their hair out and shove it down their throats. (maybe I shouldn't read articles about murder anymore) I went to work at the pub today and found out that I was to be a co-bartender at a "Battle of the Bands" party. Most of the bands didn't suck too bad and none of them droned on and on like the snippy little 23 year old girl. It was her job to pick up glasses and wash them and pretty much run around and get whatever the bartenders asked for. She did these things but she also hung around and said the following things with true sincerity:
"Do you wanna switch jobs tonight? I really want to bartend."
"I want to make the big tips, I can flirt with the customers."
"This is the longest day of my life, I had to work a few hours at my other job too."
"Can I drink some of your Rockstar?"
"How's my hair?"
"Do you have any baby powder?"
"How's my hair now, better?"
"I'm 23. Why? How old do I seem?"
If it weren't bad enough that I couldn't shut her up she also decided that looming behind the bar made her somehow seem more awesome. She tried to pour beer and it dribbled over the sides of the glasses. She made a customer pour his own water while she watched. She tried to tell me who ordered what. And, she stood so close to me I could see her shoddy eyeliner job. I certainly don't get paid enough to deal with babysitting a brat. Then I wonder how do I come off to someone three years my elder? I can't be that obnoxious, right? Shit...
But, since we kept running out of booze the best part of the evening was listening to Canadians apologize for ordering a beer we were out of. But, my favorite part was when an old guy asked, "What kind of beers do you have?" We only had Bud, Coors Light, and Canadian. He said, "Ahh, give me the Canadian, I guess. I don't support American beers."
-Canadian Castaway
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