Day 90
This morning there were no tater tots at breakfast. Instead, there were great swarms of people. I almost had a panic attack. It took ten minutes to worm your way to the milk machine let alone get a whole tray of food. I saw a friend after the entire fiasco of trying to put away my tray. Instead of saying my usual, "Good morning. How are you?" I said, "I am moving out of this hell hole." Apparently, I said it loud enough for a table of ten to hear plus the neighboring table of ten. Usually in the mornings people are pretty sedated but these people looked at me like I walked into the dining hall in a string bikini, climbed up on the table, and announced, "Jesus, will save our souls!" Oh well, I am sure they already thought I was a freak. Besides how could anyone ever move out of here where every Monday there are tots.
Class today was a huge let down. The only class I like is this one. The only reason I like it is because our instructor is a tiny little elfish man who is prone to go on long story rants that have to deal with his checkered past. But, the only exciting things that happened today were not stories.
1. I took an entire page of notes left handed.
2. My friend walked in late and leaned over to me and whispered, "I've had so much sex in the last two days." Her eyes rolled back into her head and the goofy grin she wore never left her face.
3. A car alarm went off right outside the window for like 5 full minutes and the instructor and almost everyone (except the sexed up girl) went on as if they didn't notice.
And, that's all that happened. Except the instructor wrote, "OK" on my rewrite he handed back. On everyone elses he wrote words like, "Good" and "Super."
My bodyguard is a huge priss. Back up, tonight before work I met up with a few of my fellow writing students. During the table chat about Steinbeck (boring) I stole into my bodyguard's overloaded bag to snoop out his books. I pulled one of the library books out and opened it up. He stole it out of my hands and instructed me to not make fun of it. (He reads some flowery pseudo sci-fi/fantasy shit.) I took it back and opened it up. That was when he lost it.
"Don't just rip it open like that you are gonna crack the spine," he shrieked. So, I closed it and did it again. He flinched. "Dude, calm down it's just a library book. And, it's hard cover and I don't see any cracks in the spine do you?" He nabbed the book and demonstrated how to properly open it:to tilt it and to NEVER open it wider than a 45 degree triangle. He then took the book and the other one I had fished out of his bag, put them back and moved his bag to cover his feet. I tried to sneak a hand down to snag it and he moved the bag out of reach. I guess I have no book privileges for the evening. Snob.
So, I am thinking about renaming the blog: What Emily Read on Yahoo.ca News Today. Seriously, I can't make this shit up. Here are my favorite stories of the day:
1. Somebody threw a canned ham at Paula Deen and hit her in the mouth. She tweeted about it later apparently saying, "I haven't met the ham that could stop me yet."
2. The next one is all about how to find a husband. To sum up it gives 4 tips about how you should date people your girlfriends (used in the old people way) hook you up with (their guy friends) and get involved in your community or live to a different community if your community is too full of married men or ancient people. But, the fifth tip was my favorite saying that you should ignore the first four tips and just go on the internet which they refer to as, "the superhighway of love.'
3. The last news tidbit I found noteworthy had to do with a fat man in a unitard impersonating Beyonce's last video. I watch on with amazement, not at the bulging unitard but at the fact that this proves that anyone, seriously anyone, can dance. And, can dance just as well as superstars. How inspiring. Well, I got to admit that the part where he crawled around on the floor was negative sexy. But, still...
Not much else happened today. Except that I saw a couple raccoons running in the road. They have a weird little gangsta walk to them. The little bastards. I didn't get the job that I interviewed for last week. Looking back on my blog entry of that day instructing the public on what NOT to do at an interview (everything I did) and it's not all that surprising. Oh, I also saw a crow peck open a plastic bag, it took FOREVER. Okay, I admit, I walked away after watching for five minutes. The damn thing wasn't even through the plastic yet. Lying is soo frakin easy.
-Canadian Castaway
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