Day 73
There is nothing more horrifying than having to sit through a two and half hour staff meeting. Well, maybe leprosy, but...
Anyway, so there we all were the pub workers in the daylight hours sipping weak coffee from an urn we knew wasn't clean and picking at free baked goods. By the time I got to them there was only a few knocked around dry-looking muffins and a coconut/chocolate donut that looked shellacked. After twenty minutes of milling around and making small talk the official meeting began.
Luckily instead of listening to the bar managers drone on and on about policies and ID-ing people they called in two sets of guest speakers, the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police hahaha, mounted) and the AMS (Alma Mater Society)Security guys.
The first two speakers were the cops one was older (Jeff) and he looked like he was the type to dress up as a woman in his own home and the other (Ben) looked like a pretty-boy ex-frat guy who stuffed his jeans in the cock region. Ben did most of the talking and to keep myself from staring at his fake junk I took a few notes here's what I got:
he said the word "cognizant"
"tingling senses"
"Do diligence" (like 800 times)
"Your safety is paramount."
"I was volun-told to do that."
And, then I have a note that describes a story that Ben told about catching a guy sneaking booze into a bar with a belt buckle that was actually a flask. He laughed and said, "so don't assume anything" and "you might need to go grabbing for his crotch" to which I heard Jeff mumble, "You should ask him his name first," and then he snickered barely loud enough to hear.
The AMS guys were even more entertaining. Again it was two guys except these guys looked like a psychopath and a derelict. There was a big guy who had a lisp that is often times associated with the mentally slow, let's call him Big John, he looked like he slept in a storefront but ate well. The psychopath was a guy dressed all in black who sort of looked like if Beavis had a crew cut. He too had a speech tick but his was more so a noise sort of like "ahh" and "err" combined into a short sound that popped up in unexpected places and sometimes many times in one sentence. I loved both of them.
Here are a few notes I jotted on their speech:
More talk on ID's--boring
2 sheets of paper (Beavis was reading from)
Beavis: "friendly approach"
"pick big friends" pointed to Big John
"Don't underestimate the value of good customer service."
"The Stern Approach"
"Leave!" What he said was the stern approach
"What are the signs of drunkeness?" A girl in the back said, "drool" and I thought she said, "driving."
Other things that happened during the security talk:
One person asked how to get the RCMP to respond to a call for assistance and Big John said to lie to them tell them that someone is going to be very violent any second.
On campus there is an undergrad bar and Beavis said that one of the main issues at that bar was out of control PDA. To solve this they said they take the creepiest guy (huge creeper eyes, natty beard) on the security team and place him wide-eyed and watching next to the accused PDA abusing couple. Security guards are so silly when they are not cuffing you or going on about right wing politics.
After two hours and eleven minutes of these people talking our managers decided to give us a two page quiz which was mostly multiple choice but did involve some freaking essay questions. And if that wasn't horrible enough they made us go around the room afterward and yell out the answers in turn. It took me two hours to not feel sore from the hands that had been up my ass at that meeting.
After the meeting I literally ran uphill to get away from it all. I met up with my bodyguard and had a wonderful day of shopping. Well, except the part where I showed him my hands. So, ever since I quit smoking (god, I miss it) I pick at my hands when I am bored, you know like hangnails and shit. Well, today during the meeting I had picked a little and had bled which dried and looked sort of nasty. I looked down at my hands on the bus and said, "Eww, that's disgusting," which apparently allowed him or caused him to think that I wanted his commentary on the situation. Which would've been fine except that he gasped at me and said, "Why do that to yourself?" And, I was all like, "I don't know, it's like a nervous tick thing. What? Don't you have a nervous tick thing?" And he was all, "No, and I certainly don't make myself bleed maybe you should get on Prozac." He looked down at my hand like I was a cutter. I showed him my non-cut forearms. He wasn't impressed.
Anyway, I didn't kill him (too many witnesses on the bus) and we went to a comic book store to find a gift for a friend. While in the comic book store we milled around for quite sometime as it is three stories high. After I looked at all of the non-superhero comics and picked up a book called, "Chewing Gum in Church" I found my bodyguard up front and next to a stroller. Inside the stroller was a tiny baby girl with big blue eyes and a crocheted hat. She was smiling up at him like he was the most riveting thing in the world. I pointed it out to him and then we cooed at the baby for over 15 minutes him giggling like a giddy girl with I-can't-believe-it eyes and me holding up an illustrated ABC book of animals making sure to call out the names of each one and skip the scary wolves page. I actually thought about taking the kid, but her dad showed up and rolled her away and my bodyguard and I spent the day going other places babbling on like the friggin Rainman about how much we love babies. Ick. Maybe it's best not to reflect on your behavior.
The rest of the afternoon (while talking about babies and dogs) we went to a candystore where I am well known. And, my bodyguard bought a scorpion sucker, I named the scorpion Sherman and he ate Sherman. We also went to several bookstores at one of them my bodyguard asked to see the book I was fondling and ran up to the counter with it and bought it despite me ramming into him trying to stop him. What am I an idiot? Well, he's probably just bribing me so I don't kill him. Goddamn is he smart and stupid at the same time. Doesn't he know he could've spent 65 cents on a sucker at the candystore and had the same effect.
Our last stop was the campus bookstore where they had book sale going on. I found a treasure called, "Every Woman's Luck Book: What Every Woman Needs to Know to Choose a Husband."
The book was, according to the copyright page, "originally published in the 1930's" apparently they couldn't find a year. It was reprinted without permission of the copyright holder whom they couldn't find, so it says. Anyway, it doesn't really matter, what matters is that through it I have learned some helpful things about myself and tips about getting finding a husband. Here is a list (yeah, deal with it I love lists today) of my findings:
Scorpio women (me) should marry Virgo men and become nurses. And, my lucky day is Tuesday and I should have an aquamarine wedding ring.
"The Wedding Veil:
At one time the wedding veil took the form of a square of linen held over the heads of both bride and bridegroom. Later it was thought that it was only the bride who needed a veil, and thus the present-day custom began, the bride going into church with the veil down and coming out with it thrown back as a sign that she is now a wedded wife with no need for maiden blushes."
The book also tells you what kind of man possesses which kind of hands, jawlines, postures, mouths and noses. Which is kind of funny because half of the photographic examples are clearly women, perhaps this was a bi-curious book, maybe husband can mean many things. How progressive.
It also tells you how to read your fortune with either tea leaves or playing cards.
But, my personal favorite is: "Cut twenty-six squares of cardboard and write the letters of the alphabet upon them. When you go to bed place the squares face downwards in a basin of water. In the morning those letters which have turned right side up are the initials of your future husband. Sometimes a whole name is spelled out."
-Canadian Castaway
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