Day 88
Today was boring. I have been looking at Jimmy Choo shoes online for a half an hour when they don't even make them in my size, let alone that they cost like 500 bucks. I don't recall ever paying more than 90 bucks for shoes and even those I felt guilty about and still wear every day.
Today was so boring that if I had a hit counter of how many times I went onto facebook I would fall into a depression that a case of Zoloft couldn't begin to cure. The only remotely exciting things that have happened demonstrate how boring everything was. Here they are:
1. I went to a goofy guy's apartment to look at his movie collection. He lives in an allegedly ultra Christian (Presbyterian) dorm-ish building. This had great promise to be exciting, in fact, I was betting my whole day on it. Turns out that it just looks like an other building except that it has a small, lighted windowed room in it that is a chapel. But, it didn't even have pews. And, my friend seemed to have no interest in exploring it. His movies were as exciting as the chapel. Sure he had some good ones but mostly they were action flicks from the 90s. The only great find was "The Care Bear Movie." He said he'd seen it like 12 times. I asked him who is his favorite Care Bear and he said, "I don't know their names, the one with the heart on it."
Maybe he was mad at me for declaring, "You have a lot of stuff" upon entering his small room. The sad part was that the only interesting stuff was a teddy bear in a striped sweater I said, "I like your bears sweater." Did that come off as mean? I really meant it. The only other item of note was a giant box of Trojans. Which would've been extremely interesting because I think he is a virgin. But, I know that he bought them as a gag for this room crawl party last week. He said he was thinking about trying to return them but noted that they have a "five year expiry date." So, I grabbed The Parent Trap and Stay Tuned and waited for him in the hallway, crestfallen.
2. This is even more exciting, we had pizza for dinner. Yay! You know it's bad when your entire day is spent in anticipation of dry pizza with unidentified green shit on it. Hold on while I pour myself a shot and get a Kleenex to dry my tears. But, the best part is yet to come because my skinny guy friend next to me saw me get up and rush to the salad line and come back with a bowl of Ranch dressing to dunk my pizza in. "Geez, I am gonna die of a heart attack," I said, smiling as though I made a good joke. "Yes, you are," he said. "What is that like all mayo?"
The best part about my boring day is when I am talking to people from back home who have called me up to hear about my exciting Canada adventure. When all I pretty much do is recite the gossip that I have heard from other people back home about people back home. Turns out nearly 2000 miles of distance between me and the action means that I still hear all the gossip. Even when I try to tell exciting spontaneous tales they come off like this:
"I have kissed a ton of people since I've been here."
"What? Really?"
"Well, actually it's just a couple people, on the lips but with no tongue. So, what's new with so and so? Tell me they got fat!"
My own mother hung up on me to go see a movie that she's already seen a dozen times. I wish I were making this up.
I also read a little about B.F. Skinner during my boring-athon. The scientist who learned and taught the virtues of positive reinforcement. I wonder what he'd do if he were still alive and I went to him and said, "Mr. Skinner, what do you do when the highlight of your day is popping a few blackheads?" Maybe he would condition me to feel joy every time I extracted whatever shit blackheads are made out of. Or, maybe he'd put me in a box, like he did to his kid, and just start me over entirely. I wonder if I would become addicted to pressing the food bar. All signs point to yes.
Well, back to watching youtube videos I have already seen of Dame Edna.
-Canadian Castaway
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