Day 85
There is nothing more obnoxious than a Canadian giving me (an American) a lecture on American politics especially if that Canadian has never even lived in the US. That said, guess what happened today? But, today's edition was a special edition considering that he is an actor which means he has a natural passion when he speaks. Yippee. I got hear all about how Obama isn't doing enough and how this actor had predicted this fact before the election. He told me all about Republican control (as if I had no idea). Then he pontificated how America is much like the world in the novel 1984 as though he came up with the idea. Finally, I got to leave him as I was called in for a job interview. Being grilled by three interviewers was much less painful.
So, I had a job interview today for a high brow lit rag. Instead of sharing the detail of it I am making a short guide of what NOT to do at a job interview for an editorial or ciruculation position(trust me these things do not work well).
-Do not drink too much coffee and pop too many Midols before you take the hot seat.
-Do not announce upon your arrival that you'll be over in the lounge and command that the interviewers should just come get you.
-Do not walk into the room and say, "What's up guys?"
-Do not follow the, "What's up guys?" phrase with, "Oooooh, cookies!"
-Do not rush the plate of cookies and start shoving them into your mouth.
-Do not answer the question, "So, what's your favorite story we've published in the magazine with, "Actually, I haven't really read much of the magazine."
-Do not answer three separate questions with virtually the same answer.
-Do not say that mediating a group was the most difficult thing you had to do as a lead editor at your previous post.
-Do not ask how many hours of training will be involved while wearing a wince on your face.
-Do not say that you'll take any position they have even if it isn't something that you applied for.
-Do not say that you HATE poetry.
-And finally, when you are finished with the interview do not say, "Well, that wasn't so bad after all," out loud.
-Ohh, and make sure that you don't forget your umbrella in the room.
Why I want to kill my bodyguard reason #47
Today my bodyguard texted me and told me to come to the bar. As I had literally fallen asleep reading a story for class I agreed to venture out for the 4th time today in the only shoes I had left that were at least semi-dry (seriously, this rain thing is not funny anymore). When I arrived I saw that he was with a group of friends, which sucked cause I wanted to fulfill my horoscope and have a heart to heart. I sidled into the booth and found out that my bodyguard had been drinking since noon, it was then 5:20 pm.
There was a guy sitting at the booth next to ours who was watching hockey with an adorable expression on his face. I told my bodyguard. He didn't say much. One beer later the hockey watcher, who I thought had left, had come back to the booth directly behind ours. I pointed to the guy and signaled to my bodyguard with my eyes so as to say, "Look! He's back!" My bodyguard then said, "Why are you pointing to that guy in the booth next to us?!" Note: The hockey watcher's head was not even a foot from my bodyguard's mouth. Pause. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Pause. "Do you have a crush on him?"
So, after that fiasco and an uneventful dinner I was sent to bartend and I spent the night acquiring knowledge, here's what I learned:
1. The cute chico at work went to a party last week with 12 dudes and 5 whores covered in cocaine who took all of their money but had group sex with them.
2. If you play dance music sometimes a goofy couple will show up wearing hideous outfits and dance with very expressive dance moves.
3. There is a cocktail where you mix Frangelico, ginger ale, and lemon--it takes like sweet garbage water.
4. Drinking at work is fun and free.
5. Telling the customers to, "Get the fuck out," is not an effective means of vacating a bar.
6. My co-bartender had a girlfriend and now has a boyfriend who is the exactly the same person as the girlfriend but a guy.
7. If you drink tons of Monster drink you do not turn into a monster, a monster grows in your stomach and beats around in there.
8. Stealing umbrellas is fun.
9. No one saw you kiss your co-worker the other day but when you tell them about it they know.
10. The boring creeper guy had a date. There is hope out there, unless she was his sister.
Well, other than that it's been fairly uneventful.
-Canadian Castaway
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