Day 70
So, today was my birthday and some shit happened and didn't happen and happened but I can't seem to remember it very well after I had that acai-ified booze drink (at least I got some antioxidants out of it, more like anti-recall-idants). Here is a list of things I can remember:
So, I woke up this morning and my phone was disconnected and I had missed breakfast. Normally on my birthday I receive some birthday wishes calls (well, my Mom calls) so I moped around for a bit eating microwave oatmeal (digging on the artificial sweetener) until I realized that my only means of communication was facebook. So, using the "my phone is not working" excuse I played around all day on it. Well, not all day I did read a draft of a story written by a classmate until I realized that looking at the pictures of people I haven't talked to in four years was more entertaining.
I was not only asked out for lunch, I was also asked out for a cookie afterward. Before the cookie I stopped by to pick up the following party favors, feather boa, toy compasses with mazes on the back, plastic metallic rings that were so small that the only human beings who could fit into them can't play with them because they are choking hazards, fake Olympic medals to make my friends feel like "winners" (gotta butter 'em up somehow), pirate masks to cover at least one of their eyes so I wouldn't have to look into them, sheriff badges (scary fetish I have), and neon beads (lord knows). I was so proud of my loot that I whipped out the box early to show off my goods to my bodyguard. I smiled at him like a proud puppy presenting a dead baby bunny. He said, "You shouldn't spend your money on all that crap. I thought you were broke." Where did I find this guy?
I got two cards with drinks on them (shot and a beer) and two other cards. One card was a remade Christmas card with every other word crossed out and/or replaced with "Birthday" like, "BIRTHDAY laughing all the BIRTHDAY way" and "Thinking of you this BIRTHDAY(holiday)
season and wishing you a joyful BIRTHDAY (New Year). The other card said this on the front, "I Love You...Truly, Madly, Deeply" and this on the inside, "I love you...completely." At least they weren't used cards that is what I got last year. But, the used card last year at least had quarters scotch-taped on the inside. Thanks, Dad. But, why didn't you send me a card this year? Out of quarters? Tape? Or did you not get any cards this past year?
As far as presents go I got a book I already have, a book that was only purchased because the author's name is a naughty word in Persian, a homemade bar of soap that looks like and is made out of candy but I was instructed to not eat it, balloons that were used as breast implants, homemade cookies (my friend said, "Are those supposed to look like tits?"), an acai alcoholic beverage, twenty bucks with a note attached stating that I was to spend it on cheap jewelery ("this is not booze $."), a cupcake with blue frosting (I can't eat or drink blue things), a bit of a three-hour old used hotdog covered in cheese sauce (it was delicious), a piece of cheese pizza with green shit all over it (I asked a stranger if I had any in my teeth, he checked and double checked), a man (more on that later), two half cans of Coke, a card with two "vikings" on horseback, and a rosemary plant in a bag with some dudes abs and weird cloth-diaperish clad cock on it. All in all I made out pretty well, indeed.
So, I got a man for a present, not just any man the sexiest Persian man I know. He leaned in and told me, "A kiss is part of your present." I may have went into the men's room looking for him and I may have grabbed his ass, a lot who knows? But, I know for sure that I kissed him, twice. If he would've given a little tongue he could have been the best birthday present I have ever received but, as it stands, I still think my CD boom box from 8th grade was better.
I am truly a lucky girl. If only I had a take home Persian tongue-kissing present. Is that too much to ask for?
-Canadian Castaway
P.S. Here is an abridged conversation I had over the phone yesterday:
"Hey Dad, when are you gonna get the internet?"
"Welp, we're working on it gotta get a lot of stuff lined up first, gotta move all 200 of your mother's cookbooks out of the way first. You know she doesn't want to part with any of them."
"Neither of you ever want to part with anything."
"Yeah, well."
"We should skype, you'd need a computer with a webcam. Maybe you should get a laptop."
"Nope, we're gonna use the computer we already have, don't need to go wasting money on stuff we don't need."
"Dad?"
"Yes."
"What are you gonna do on the internet?"
"Look at porn."
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