"It's not a hike", Snobbery,and I heart buses

Day 17

Today we were all sitting on the grass when a friend told me that she was going to with a group to some park. She invited me to tag along and I accepted. After I asked, "Is it like a hike? Cause I don't do hiking." I was met with the response, "It's not a hike." I should have known when I was instructed that I should probably wear shoes instead of sandals. Everyday I am reminded what an fool and a sap I am on top of the usual reminders of my one-mindedness and stupidity. We all gathered and were led to rented vans that would take us to this so-called park. Where I come from parks are full of swingsets and slides, not trees and spiders.

Everything was running along quite nicely I was in command of the radio and learning fun new English words like "cheeky" and "cock off" from my South African friend. We parked the van in a parking lot surrounded by trees and met up with the second van load. I introduced myself to the couple I didn't know and struck up a conversation with them. While I was talking I didn't so much realize that we had walked up a hill and were headed down a sandy sloped path. It wasn't until I stubbed my toe on a rock that I realized that we had been walking for over five minutes downhill, which was all nice and wonderful until I realized that we would have to walk back up. The panic set in. I looked behind us and nearly dropped. I looked at my new comrades and said:

"How much farther is it?"
"It's not too much farther."
"Like how far?"
"It's a little ways."
"Okay, you do realize that we have to walk back up."
"Yeah, yeah don't worry about it's totally worth it when you get there, you'll see."
"Okay, but if it's not I'm going to kill you."

I envisioned a land where the trees were lollypops and the clouds cotton candy. And there was a chocolate bay and Oom Pa Loompas in fancy boats beckoned me out to sea to catch Swedish Fish. When we got there all I saw was a pile of rocks. My fellow hikers scaled the sides like the spiders that lurked EVERYWHERE. I followed behind imagining that my group members would always have to live with the guilt of taking me to this place where I would surely fall, crack my head like an egg and die.

The rocks looked out over a tiny part of the sound with a boring lighthouse sticking out at the base. We all set up camp on the rock face and people stretched out like it were a white-sanded beach. I counted how many bugs bit my left arm and started to dread the return trip to the car. To occupy my mind I thought up impossible escape plans like becoming a mermaid and swimming to a lowland or catching a cruise ship to Alaska and then flying back in a plane with skis, or hopping into one of the giant backpacks of the passersby, unnoticed. Or building a sort of contraption out of wood that I could sit on and be carried back on by my fellow hikers like the queen of the forest.

But, I didn't do any of these things or kill the guy who said it was going to be spectacular instead, I huffed it back up and whined about how I was going to die. When I reached the top I picked a maple leaf from a tree after reading a sign discouraging destruction of any kind to the wildlife. Suckers. But, I did learn two things that yes, everyone is a liar and "parks" in Canada actually mean, "Nature Reserves". I miss my swingset and pavement.

If the hike wasn't bad enough on the drive back I was stuck in the van with a snob. Acutally, the biggest snob I've ever met. She had a politically correct opinion on everything and hated curse words. I should've known her type when she was bellyaching about how we should not have taken two vans to the park. That it was so not "environmentally friendly". I said, "Ahh, who cares it's one extra car." She snapped her head my way and said, "If everyone started to think like that just think what would happen to our planet." But, my favorite was when I changed the channels on the radio station and I said,
"Yuck, Classical, we are not listening to that shit."
The South African turned to me after Princess Snob let out an unapproving sigh, "You shouldn't say that, she's a classically trained musician."
"What? Rock and roll is way better than classical." (or some such shit, I don't remember)
Anyway, she said, "I'm not even going to give that a response."
I turned the station and ACDC blasted from the speakers in our rented mini van.
"This is just noise, God."
I could hear her mind coming unhinged. When Black Sabbath came on next I made sure to sing along.

So, once again I took the bus. This time was wonderful. I made two new friends, further proof that people love it when you talk to them on the bus. And, I learned how much fun it is to curse loudly when the bus is full. It's almost as fun as playing metal music to a high society pinhead with no sense of humor.

-Canadian Castaway (or for today, Ozzy Osbourne)